restitui | limelight

[ shakes his head and shifts a little to pick up hoppy. ]

Yeah, I do. I kind of think I know what went wrong with mine, so that can wait — I want to hear you, first, if that's okay?

Of course it is.

[pauses for a moment to find the right words]

I guess - I thought I was giving up one thing, but it turned out to be another? And I think I know what went wrong with mine, too, but... If I'm right about it, it really scares me.

[ offers him his hand and gives a short nod, ]

What do you think went wrong?

So... I offered up my memories, right? And I thought that meant I'd just be, like, a blank slate. But I still remembered, I just didn't feel the same way about those memories. And I think I might know why.

Yeah, that's what we assumed would happen. [ and it didn't, which is why he tilts his head ] What's your theory?

Satin said something like... If I couldn't remember my life, who would I be? Who'd be remembering if there isn't supposed to be anything to remember?

I know I've been pretty set on how our vision selves are, like, past lives, and we're probably reincarnated from that, but - what if I was wrong? What if mine has been here the entire time, watching, and the only time he's been able to come out is when I didn't remember anything, so I didn't exist in the same way? Like - I can't think of any other way it makes sense that I chose to forget, but someone was there still remembering, but secondhand.

[ quiet a moment as he thinks about it and then: ]

... so do you think there is a 'you' that is Gingham and a you that is - [ He knows the name, he could say it, he doesn't -] you know? Together right now, I mean?

...That's what I'm afraid of, but - I think it might be right. Because if there was someone left to remember when I couldn't... Who else would it be?

It would be him.

[ agreed quiet and unflinching, ]

And are you afraid because of what it might mean for you and him? Who you're supposed to be, I mean?

I'm just worried about, like... If I was wrong and it's not that he's someone I used to be? Like, if he's still here and can only really exist when I'm not doing that.

[pausing for a second, taking a breath]

This is going to sound really existential, but if that's the case - if I'm present and conscious all the time now that my version of the memories are back, does that just mean I'm actively taking that away from someone else?

... so you're more worried your existence is taking away from his.

[ he squeezes his hand, looks away, ]

Maybe it's not quite the same so it can't fully help and it's probably not the answer you're looking for, but did I ever explain what I meant that part of me had to be both Billy and William?

I'm not sure, but... I wouldn't mind hearing it.

[ He nods and shifts back a little to figure out how to say it. ]

That's because when they died, William didn't just disappear. Who - which one am I? Wouldn't have been such a big conflict ifo ne was gone and the other wasn't. They were both still parts of him even if it felt like William was... quieter. Part of the journey was finding a way to come together as one? Coming into magick wouldn't have happened at all without it.

[ A beat. ]

Which is why I don't think you're wrong - and I don't think you're right either. You both exist. Gingham and Rupert are as much two different people as they are one and maybe it's - the next part of the journey is finding out how to make the two of you really coexist?

But you shouldn't spend cycles wondering if you being here is wrong or hurting him. You deserve to exist, too. And I don't think it's just me saying that.

Edited (sorry for the late edit i decided i didn't like how it was directed but please lemme know if it needs changes. or if you want his true name taken out) 2025-08-07 16:49 (UTC)

...Maybe.

[pausing for a moment after listening, petting speedy again]

I don't know. It's just a lot to think about.

It is.

And you can think about it as much as you want? I can just listen.

Yeah. I guess it's just - what you said definitely makes sense, I don't want to discount that or act like it didn't matter or anything. I think it's just a matter of like... Knowing something versus knowing something, you know? It was kind of a big shock.

Yeah, your experiencing it now. That matters a whole lot more. I just don't want you to think your existence is bad, but maybe I'm projecting a little -

[ he shakes his head - ] Is there anything I can do for you?

Edited 2025-08-09 22:02 (UTC)

...Stay for a while? And tell me how you're feeling.

I wasn't planning on going anywhere.

... Weird, but in a different way.

Weird how, then?

Weird as in I need to stop thinking as it in: I have magick and more like I am magick.

So... What happened when you tried to give it up?

[ can he just ]

[

]

Edited 2025-08-09 23:12 (UTC)

... my theory is that getting rid of magick, which part of the me in visions was born from, also got rid of the part of me that was "Billy". But the parts that are William and Phoenix were still here, so I could still kind of function?

Edited 2025-08-09 23:17 (UTC)

Sort of function isn't a great baseline... How are you feeling about it now, though?

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