[ Honestly, he lowkey probably expects it, which is exactly why the windows are unlocked. In the interim between the party, though, he's had his own self-finding adventures (literally, going on a mentalscape to find his memories with Strange). ]
Hey.
[ Billy colors just a tinge in embarrassment but snorts. He'll take a seat. ]
Don't worry, you won't. As in, I'm not really in love with you.
[he had rehearsed some of what he was going to say, about how no matter what he wanted them to be friends, about how he had pondered his sexuality for three days (which was kind of a lot of deep existential horror for a teenager) and maybe he wasn’t ready for that right now but he didn’t want to completely rule it out or anything, about how his feelings for Billy weren’t what he interpreted as romance, but that didn’t mean they weren’t strong feelings, that maybe if it was ok to just keep going the way they had he would try to figure it out but he needed some time, but honestly no matter what the important thing was that they could still be themselves around each other
Wait did Billy just mentally torture him for three days for nothing]
[ He colors a little more deeply hearing the last remnants of Cliff's thoughts - feels guilty in a way that absolutely isn't fair to himself. Thinks it's sweet all the same even if it tugs at his heart in a different way. Feels more guilt and then a laugh:]
You could use better hair styling, yeah. We'll work on it for your six Canadian girlfriends.
[ It's a mild joke, an attempt in humor before he breathes out. Attention on him and then not: ]
[well there it is again. Cliff’s most utilized expression in the last however many sentences with Billy.]
You’re saying — you’re saying that was some kinda fairy trick?!
[a faint pause]
…Wait. Wait, just… OK. You’re not shitting me? This isn’t like… you’re embarrassed and you’re afraid I’ll be freaked out or — cause I swear, it’s gonna be cool, for real, I’d never… I’d never want to hurt you, man.
Oh, I am definitely embarrassed and afraid you'll freak out. Like, no offense, I super can tell even if you were into guys I'm so not on your radar. Having told you anything like that at all is soooo mortifying.
[ Helpfully! It is very mortifying, can he die please? At least he says it in mostly good humor. ]
But yeah, pretty sure it was. I was super sure I was in love with you and I definitely know I'm not - not that I don't care about you. Just, you know.
It's not like I don't like you and couldn't see you as attractive at least? But whatever that was it wasn't me even if most of what I said was pretty true if you scratch off the hardcore crushing parts.
Yeah, well. You'd better see me as attractive. ...Wait what's wrong with my hair, for real.
[He reaches up to fluff at it awkwardly. But the expression on his face is one of sincere relief, tinged with some... lingering confusion. It's not like he wants Billy to be attracted to him, it's just...
Well, it actually was flattering. A little bit. But obviously, there was no way in hell anyone could possibly have a crush on him without bullshit fairy magic involved.]
Of course we're cool. I came here to make it cool. We are so far beyond cool.
[...]
Can I ask you something real stupid? How did you like... How do you know you're gay?
[The upshot from all this nonsense is apparently that Cliff is now questioning his sexuality, which is probably not the intended upshot.]
[ He will politely say also not wearing the same hoodie all the time because he DOES know the hoodie is important, but look - see - style is also important to attractiveness. (Which is also why he thinks Cliff wouldn't like him). ]
Okay, cool.
[ ... He could say something, but he chooses to wait in light of the fact that Cliff moves on pretty quickly and he smiles a little uncertainly. ]
It's not stupid. But I couldn't really tell you? [ He shrugs, ] Like, I've always known I liked guys. I've never felt about girls the same way. And it's not as if I can't tell they're pretty or attractive - girls definitely have better style, skin, and make-up game than most guys.
But in the same way most people don't have to question if they're straight I've just never questioned it...?
[He frowns, because as far as he can tell, he has a pretty standard Boy Haircut and he is OK With That. He's definitely not doing whatever weird shit the TikTok people are doing with their hair.]
...What about like, frosted tips.
[jk hopefully]
I guess I know when guys are hot. Like -- [ok he's not going to say chris hemsworth] Yeah. Muscles and shit. I sort of -- feel jealous or something? It's more like, 'fuck wish I had that.' [without putting in effort, obviously]
There was one guy who sort of... flirted with me. I didn't really mind until he got kind of... creepy.
[He trails off. It looks like he's fine leaving this here. Speaking of amazing cool hoodies that he should never take off, Billy might have noticed, by the way, that he's wearing a white hoodie today, which is strange.]
[ Please do not frost your hair is what the tone seems to say without saying. ]
[ The hoodie is also noted for later, because he's going to focus on the worry of his friend that he (not so intentionally) caused. ]
I think that's pretty normal? Everyone thinks about stuff they see in others they'd like to see in themselves. [ He's not going to comment on his own body image issues, because that's different. He's heard the worries more than he hasn't, though. ]
Creepy how? It doesn't matter their gender, if someone's sending weird signals it's completely fair to disengage and you should disengage.
...It was sort of a weird situation. He... grabbed me. And kept asking why I didn't like him.
[He shakes his head.]
But yeah. I got outta there. We don't... need to talk about that too much. I was just wondering like... [how much of the attraction had been because he was another animal person, how much was it loneliness, and how much because he was actually attracted? and then... he probably wasn't a he at all, really.] Ah, never mind. Whatever. Try everything once, I guess.
[That might not be the best approach here, but oh well.]
Yeah, that's not okay no matter who it is. And it probably didn't help you if you might like guys.
[ His mom's a therapist and he's an empath, do you really think you're getting out of it, Cliff? He swallows it back and shakes his head. ]
I think desire is different from, like, attraction - when you like someone, I mean. And maybe you know immediately which is why most people think they're one way or another... or maybe you figure it out as you get to know the person. Like, one day you just think: oh, I like this person more than I like anyone else.
[ He tries to smile but makes a - but what do I know gesture? And focuses instead on the follow-up which feels left field (unless he's asking him to be the 'try everything once'). ] Okay. What is it?
...Not to make it more weird again, but. I mean. I like you more than anyone else. You're like, literally the only person I know here still.
I have friends back home I... trust the same way I trust you, but... they're all a lot older than me.
[It literally was just Billy. Well, there was the snake lady, but she was literally a thousand years older than him.]
There's gotta be more to it than just liking someone. ...And I know, like. [a long pause] Sex. But. [...OK he does think about sex with girls? He's a pretty normal guy that way. But that's not why he likes them... is it?]
...Um. Can you fix my hoodie?
[Here he is, asking for favors literally 5 seconds after resolving this friendship crisis.]
A fairy... took its color. Don't ask me what that means.
[ ... ] Well, we know you're not attracted to me and definitely weren't interested in kissing me. That doesn't mean you might not find a guy you like just - you know - one person you wouldn't be attracted to.
[ Helpfully. Is that helpfully? He colors a little more. ]
I mean. When I figured out I was gay it wasn't because I thought about having sex with them. I don't remember thinking about kissing them either - [ a beat? ] I mean, I did think about kissing them a little, I guess when I was older, later but... mostly I thought about how nice they were to be around and how cute they were.
[ spoilers: isn't billy an amnesiac? ]
[ oh. well that's an easy task. he nods and with that look cliff's hoodie will change back to red- though, as noted, it's a more muted red than it once was. his brow furrows ] It didn't go the red it was meant to.
Hey, it's not -- [damn. there's no way without being weird.] It's not you, man. It's not like... 'fuck no way it's happening with this dude.' I just... I really never thought about it. Like that wasn't even an option and then it suddenly was.
You're fucking fantastic. If I ever do figure out that I like a guy, I hope... he's half as good as you. And I mean - you just said, right? It's not like... you started off wanting to swap spit with guys. I still think girls are fucking hot, and I sort of see that in my future, but I...
I dunno. I'm... gonna think more about it.
[A snort.]
Maybe I'll find a new and exciting way to piss off Carl.
[As the hoodie restores, he frowns. Shit. Did that even make sense? Why wasn't it going back to its normal color?]
[ Stop making him color even more! That is weird. He's ducking his head a minute. ]
You don't have to explain anything. There's a chance you'll wake up one day madly in love with me, that kind of thing happens, too.
[ It's a joke - No seriousness or anticipation that he should. His fingers raising and lowering in a 'you know' gesture before he adds - ]
Calling girls 'fucking hot,' but not saying the same about guys is a pretty good indicator, for the record. You don't have to figure it out now - for a lot of people they don't feel it's an option until they see it. Bisexuality is a thing, too.
[ His grin is a little sheepish - ]
But what do I know? Pretty sure I'm not straight in any universe and, no offense, I'm happy for that.
[ but he'll try again... and again. nope, it's as dark as it gets. ]
I think so. Changing clothes is easy for me. I mean, you saw my hoodie this color is on I know... and I can't get it.
[He grins in a manner that suggests he finds this amusing.
Cliff can be described by a lot of negative adjectives, but toxic masculinity isn't really his vibe. ...Is he frequently toxic in a masculine, aggressive and rage-defined way? Yes and yes. But societal expectations of masculinity itself have never really factored into the equation in any way.]
Hey, at the rate I'm going, I'm not smooching anyone, so what's it even matter.
[and that, probably, is that. Cliff looks down at his hoodie and flattens his lips slightly in displeasure.]
...Shit. I guess they figured I would try and cheat. I mean... it's kind of... mostly the same. [And it's not like color doesn't fade with time and sunlight, so... the hoodie would have ended up like this sooner or later, anyway. Still. He does feel... guilty. The color is immaterial to the concept of the hoodie - this object that represents his relationship with the person who gave so much of himself to Cliff back home. As long as they didn't take the hoodie itself, it was... it was fine.]
[He's rummaging around in the pocket of his hoodie for the magnifying glass when he frowns. Billy might be astute enough to observe that from Cliff's perspective, if the conversation had gone awry, there would have been no point in bringing the magnifying glass. For as much as he has a negative view of himself and his own shortcomings, he had believed... pretty strongly, that this wasn't going to come between them.
Or maybe his plan had been to beat Billy up until they were friends again. One or the other.]
...I thought we talked about that. And you said you didn't have a boyfriend.
[He remembers that pretty clearly because he had made it awkward. ...There wasn't any weird swapping going on again, was there?]
[ It is something of note - in one way or another, that Cliff didn't want to lose their friendship. It's sweet but his curiosity at the magnifying glass is abated by the question as he glances away. ]
I didn't.
[ Okay, wrong words. ] Or, I didn't think I did at the time. I didn't remember. I did something the other day with some- That part doesn't matter, I think, but -
When I died the hydra took memories from me. It was Eddie, like, everything about him.
[OK, if he's going to say, 'I did something the other day with someone' after they talk about sex and kissing, Cliff's mind is clearly going to leap in a particular direction. He blinks a few times.]
Yo, good for you.
[Get 'em, Billy.]
...Eddie's someone here? You, uh. [did some stuff with Eddie] You did stuff with Eddie?
[ Cliff, NO. Billy groans and buries his head in his hands. ]
No. No, Eddie isn't here. I haven't seen him in like ten months. [ You know, for as loeg as he's been here. He's coloring more despite himself as he breathes out. ]
Hence the I'm not even sure I have a boyfriend comment anymore.
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Hey.
[ Billy colors just a tinge in embarrassment but snorts. He'll take a seat. ]
Don't worry, you won't. As in, I'm not really in love with you.
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[he had rehearsed some of what he was going to say, about how no matter what he wanted them to be friends, about how he had pondered his sexuality for three days (which was kind of a lot of deep existential horror for a teenager) and maybe he wasn’t ready for that right now but he didn’t want to completely rule it out or anything, about how his feelings for Billy weren’t what he interpreted as romance, but that didn’t mean they weren’t strong feelings, that maybe if it was ok to just keep going the way they had he would try to figure it out but he needed some time, but honestly no matter what the important thing was that they could still be themselves around each other
Wait did Billy just mentally torture him for three days for nothing]
…That was a fast turnaround.
It’s the hair, isn’t it.
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[ He colors a little more deeply hearing the last remnants of Cliff's thoughts - feels guilty in a way that absolutely isn't fair to himself. Thinks it's sweet all the same even if it tugs at his heart in a different way. Feels more guilt and then a laugh:]
You could use better hair styling, yeah. We'll work on it for your six Canadian girlfriends.
[ It's a mild joke, an attempt in humor before he breathes out. Attention on him and then not: ]
Your wings went away, right?
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[He arches an eyebrow. He’s not entirely sure how that relates.]
And wait what’s wrong with my hair style. I was talking about the color. You know. No one likes gingers.
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[ Helpfully! And then quickly: ]
There's literally nothing wrong with gingers.
[ There is everything wrong with the hairstyle (no). ]
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[well there it is again. Cliff’s most utilized expression in the last however many sentences with Billy.]
You’re saying — you’re saying that was some kinda fairy trick?!
[a faint pause]
…Wait. Wait, just… OK. You’re not shitting me? This isn’t like… you’re embarrassed and you’re afraid I’ll be freaked out or — cause I swear, it’s gonna be cool, for real, I’d never… I’d never want to hurt you, man.
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[ Helpfully! It is very mortifying, can he die please? At least he says it in mostly good humor. ]
But yeah, pretty sure it was. I was super sure I was in love with you and I definitely know I'm not - not that I don't care about you. Just, you know.
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I spent like, three days thinking about if I could go for guys.
[The word to best describe his tone is 'haunted.']
...I'm gonna murder every fairy I see.
So -- we're cool? Everything's cool?
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[ Said a little awkwardly, smile timid. ]
It's not like I don't like you and couldn't see you as attractive at least? But whatever that was it wasn't me even if most of what I said was pretty true if you scratch off the hardcore crushing parts.
[ Sheepishly. ]
We're cool if you're cool.
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[He reaches up to fluff at it awkwardly. But the expression on his face is one of sincere relief, tinged with some... lingering confusion. It's not like he wants Billy to be attracted to him, it's just...
Well, it actually was flattering. A little bit. But obviously, there was no way in hell anyone could possibly have a crush on him without bullshit fairy magic involved.]
Of course we're cool. I came here to make it cool. We are so far beyond cool.
[...]
Can I ask you something real stupid? How did you like... How do you know you're gay?
[The upshot from all this nonsense is apparently that Cliff is now questioning his sexuality, which is probably not the intended upshot.]
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[ He will politely say also not wearing the same hoodie all the time because he DOES know the hoodie is important, but look - see - style is also important to attractiveness. (Which is also why he thinks Cliff wouldn't like him). ]
Okay, cool.
[ ... He could say something, but he chooses to wait in light of the fact that Cliff moves on pretty quickly and he smiles a little uncertainly. ]
It's not stupid. But I couldn't really tell you? [ He shrugs, ] Like, I've always known I liked guys. I've never felt about girls the same way. And it's not as if I can't tell they're pretty or attractive - girls definitely have better style, skin, and make-up game than most guys.
But in the same way most people don't have to question if they're straight I've just never questioned it...?
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...What about like, frosted tips.
[jk
hopefully]
I guess I know when guys are hot. Like -- [ok he's not going to say chris hemsworth] Yeah. Muscles and shit. I sort of -- feel jealous or something? It's more like, 'fuck wish I had that.' [without putting in effort, obviously]
There was one guy who sort of... flirted with me. I didn't really mind until he got kind of... creepy.
[He trails off. It looks like he's fine leaving this here. Speaking of amazing cool hoodies that he should never take off, Billy might have noticed, by the way, that he's wearing a white hoodie today, which is strange.]
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[ Please do not frost your hair is what the tone seems to say without saying. ]
[ The hoodie is also noted for later, because he's going to focus on the worry of his friend that he (not so intentionally) caused. ]
I think that's pretty normal? Everyone thinks about stuff they see in others they'd like to see in themselves. [ He's not going to comment on his own body image issues, because that's different. He's heard the worries more than he hasn't, though. ]
Creepy how? It doesn't matter their gender, if someone's sending weird signals it's completely fair to disengage and you should disengage.
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[He shakes his head.]
But yeah. I got outta there. We don't... need to talk about that too much. I was just wondering like... [how much of the attraction had been because he was another animal person, how much was it loneliness, and how much because he was actually attracted? and then... he probably wasn't a he at all, really.] Ah, never mind. Whatever. Try everything once, I guess.
[That might not be the best approach here, but oh well.]
Hey, I need you.
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[ His mom's a therapist and he's an empath, do you really think you're getting out of it, Cliff? He swallows it back and shakes his head. ]
I think desire is different from, like, attraction - when you like someone, I mean. And maybe you know immediately which is why most people think they're one way or another... or maybe you figure it out as you get to know the person. Like, one day you just think: oh, I like this person more than I like anyone else.
[ He tries to smile but makes a - but what do I know gesture? And focuses instead on the follow-up which feels left field (unless he's asking him to be the 'try everything once'). ] Okay. What is it?
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I have friends back home I... trust the same way I trust you, but... they're all a lot older than me.
[It literally was just Billy. Well, there was the snake lady, but she was literally a thousand years older than him.]
There's gotta be more to it than just liking someone. ...And I know, like. [a long pause] Sex. But. [...OK he does think about sex with girls? He's a pretty normal guy that way. But that's not why he likes them... is it?]
...Um. Can you fix my hoodie?
[Here he is, asking for favors literally 5 seconds after resolving this friendship crisis.]
A fairy... took its color. Don't ask me what that means.
no subject
[ Colors in surprise and ducks his head. ]
Thanks?
[ ... ] Well, we know you're not attracted to me and definitely weren't interested in kissing me. That doesn't mean you might not find a guy you like just - you know - one person you wouldn't be attracted to.
[ Helpfully. Is that helpfully? He colors a little more. ]
I mean. When I figured out I was gay it wasn't because I thought about having sex with them. I don't remember thinking about kissing them either - [ a beat? ] I mean, I did think about kissing them a little, I guess when I was older, later but... mostly I thought about how nice they were to be around and how cute they were.
[ spoilers: isn't billy an amnesiac? ]
[ oh. well that's an easy task. he nods and with that look cliff's hoodie will change back to red- though, as noted, it's a more muted red than it once was. his brow furrows ] It didn't go the red it was meant to.
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[How does he put this.]
Hey, it's not -- [damn. there's no way without being weird.] It's not you, man. It's not like... 'fuck no way it's happening with this dude.' I just... I really never thought about it. Like that wasn't even an option and then it suddenly was.
You're fucking fantastic. If I ever do figure out that I like a guy, I hope... he's half as good as you. And I mean - you just said, right? It's not like... you started off wanting to swap spit with guys. I still think girls are fucking hot, and I sort of see that in my future, but I...
I dunno. I'm... gonna think more about it.
[A snort.]
Maybe I'll find a new and exciting way to piss off Carl.
[As the hoodie restores, he frowns. Shit. Did that even make sense? Why wasn't it going back to its normal color?]
...Weird. It's just... stuck?
no subject
You don't have to explain anything. There's a chance you'll wake up one day madly in love with me, that kind of thing happens, too.
[ It's a joke - No seriousness or anticipation that he should. His fingers raising and lowering in a 'you know' gesture before he adds - ]
Calling girls 'fucking hot,' but not saying the same about guys is a pretty good indicator, for the record. You don't have to figure it out now - for a lot of people they don't feel it's an option until they see it. Bisexuality is a thing, too.
[ His grin is a little sheepish - ]
But what do I know? Pretty sure I'm not straight in any universe and, no offense, I'm happy for that.
[ but he'll try again... and again. nope, it's as dark as it gets. ]
I think so. Changing clothes is easy for me. I mean, you saw my hoodie this color is on I know... and I can't get it.
no subject
[He grins in a manner that suggests he finds this amusing.
Cliff can be described by a lot of negative adjectives, but toxic masculinity isn't really his vibe. ...Is he frequently toxic in a masculine, aggressive and rage-defined way? Yes and yes. But societal expectations of masculinity itself have never really factored into the equation in any way.]
Hey, at the rate I'm going, I'm not smooching anyone, so what's it even matter.
[and that, probably, is that. Cliff looks down at his hoodie and flattens his lips slightly in displeasure.]
...Shit. I guess they figured I would try and cheat. I mean... it's kind of... mostly the same. [And it's not like color doesn't fade with time and sunlight, so... the hoodie would have ended up like this sooner or later, anyway. Still. He does feel... guilty. The color is immaterial to the concept of the hoodie - this object that represents his relationship with the person who gave so much of himself to Cliff back home. As long as they didn't take the hoodie itself, it was... it was fine.]
I traded it.
The seller said it was for something... powerful.
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So we're both not smooching anyone anytime soon.
[ His smile turns a little apologetic. ]
Sorry, sometimes... they let you think you pulled one over on them. What did you get?
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Or maybe his plan had been to beat Billy up until they were friends again. One or the other.]
...I thought we talked about that. And you said you didn't have a boyfriend.
[He remembers that pretty clearly because he had made it awkward. ...There wasn't any weird swapping going on again, was there?]
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I didn't.
[ Okay, wrong words. ] Or, I didn't think I did at the time. I didn't remember. I did something the other day with some- That part doesn't matter, I think, but -
When I died the hydra took memories from me. It was Eddie, like, everything about him.
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Yo, good for you.
[Get 'em, Billy.]
...Eddie's someone here? You, uh. [did some stuff with Eddie] You did stuff with Eddie?
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No. No, Eddie isn't here. I haven't seen him in like ten months. [ You know, for as loeg as he's been here. He's coloring more despite himself as he breathes out. ]
Hence the I'm not even sure I have a boyfriend comment anymore.
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