...Not to make it more weird again, but. I mean. I like you more than anyone else. You're like, literally the only person I know here still.
I have friends back home I... trust the same way I trust you, but... they're all a lot older than me.
[It literally was just Billy. Well, there was the snake lady, but she was literally a thousand years older than him.]
There's gotta be more to it than just liking someone. ...And I know, like. [a long pause] Sex. But. [...OK he does think about sex with girls? He's a pretty normal guy that way. But that's not why he likes them... is it?]
...Um. Can you fix my hoodie?
[Here he is, asking for favors literally 5 seconds after resolving this friendship crisis.]
A fairy... took its color. Don't ask me what that means.
[ ... ] Well, we know you're not attracted to me and definitely weren't interested in kissing me. That doesn't mean you might not find a guy you like just - you know - one person you wouldn't be attracted to.
[ Helpfully. Is that helpfully? He colors a little more. ]
I mean. When I figured out I was gay it wasn't because I thought about having sex with them. I don't remember thinking about kissing them either - [ a beat? ] I mean, I did think about kissing them a little, I guess when I was older, later but... mostly I thought about how nice they were to be around and how cute they were.
[ spoilers: isn't billy an amnesiac? ]
[ oh. well that's an easy task. he nods and with that look cliff's hoodie will change back to red- though, as noted, it's a more muted red than it once was. his brow furrows ] It didn't go the red it was meant to.
Hey, it's not -- [damn. there's no way without being weird.] It's not you, man. It's not like... 'fuck no way it's happening with this dude.' I just... I really never thought about it. Like that wasn't even an option and then it suddenly was.
You're fucking fantastic. If I ever do figure out that I like a guy, I hope... he's half as good as you. And I mean - you just said, right? It's not like... you started off wanting to swap spit with guys. I still think girls are fucking hot, and I sort of see that in my future, but I...
I dunno. I'm... gonna think more about it.
[A snort.]
Maybe I'll find a new and exciting way to piss off Carl.
[As the hoodie restores, he frowns. Shit. Did that even make sense? Why wasn't it going back to its normal color?]
[ Stop making him color even more! That is weird. He's ducking his head a minute. ]
You don't have to explain anything. There's a chance you'll wake up one day madly in love with me, that kind of thing happens, too.
[ It's a joke - No seriousness or anticipation that he should. His fingers raising and lowering in a 'you know' gesture before he adds - ]
Calling girls 'fucking hot,' but not saying the same about guys is a pretty good indicator, for the record. You don't have to figure it out now - for a lot of people they don't feel it's an option until they see it. Bisexuality is a thing, too.
[ His grin is a little sheepish - ]
But what do I know? Pretty sure I'm not straight in any universe and, no offense, I'm happy for that.
[ but he'll try again... and again. nope, it's as dark as it gets. ]
I think so. Changing clothes is easy for me. I mean, you saw my hoodie this color is on I know... and I can't get it.
[He grins in a manner that suggests he finds this amusing.
Cliff can be described by a lot of negative adjectives, but toxic masculinity isn't really his vibe. ...Is he frequently toxic in a masculine, aggressive and rage-defined way? Yes and yes. But societal expectations of masculinity itself have never really factored into the equation in any way.]
Hey, at the rate I'm going, I'm not smooching anyone, so what's it even matter.
[and that, probably, is that. Cliff looks down at his hoodie and flattens his lips slightly in displeasure.]
...Shit. I guess they figured I would try and cheat. I mean... it's kind of... mostly the same. [And it's not like color doesn't fade with time and sunlight, so... the hoodie would have ended up like this sooner or later, anyway. Still. He does feel... guilty. The color is immaterial to the concept of the hoodie - this object that represents his relationship with the person who gave so much of himself to Cliff back home. As long as they didn't take the hoodie itself, it was... it was fine.]
[He's rummaging around in the pocket of his hoodie for the magnifying glass when he frowns. Billy might be astute enough to observe that from Cliff's perspective, if the conversation had gone awry, there would have been no point in bringing the magnifying glass. For as much as he has a negative view of himself and his own shortcomings, he had believed... pretty strongly, that this wasn't going to come between them.
Or maybe his plan had been to beat Billy up until they were friends again. One or the other.]
...I thought we talked about that. And you said you didn't have a boyfriend.
[He remembers that pretty clearly because he had made it awkward. ...There wasn't any weird swapping going on again, was there?]
[ It is something of note - in one way or another, that Cliff didn't want to lose their friendship. It's sweet but his curiosity at the magnifying glass is abated by the question as he glances away. ]
I didn't.
[ Okay, wrong words. ] Or, I didn't think I did at the time. I didn't remember. I did something the other day with some- That part doesn't matter, I think, but -
When I died the hydra took memories from me. It was Eddie, like, everything about him.
[OK, if he's going to say, 'I did something the other day with someone' after they talk about sex and kissing, Cliff's mind is clearly going to leap in a particular direction. He blinks a few times.]
Yo, good for you.
[Get 'em, Billy.]
...Eddie's someone here? You, uh. [did some stuff with Eddie] You did stuff with Eddie?
[ Cliff, NO. Billy groans and buries his head in his hands. ]
No. No, Eddie isn't here. I haven't seen him in like ten months. [ You know, for as loeg as he's been here. He's coloring more despite himself as he breathes out. ]
Hence the I'm not even sure I have a boyfriend comment anymore.
...You did some stuff with someone and it was so fucking amazing it popped Eddie back into your head again?
[It really is a mystery why Billy maintains this friendship. It's obvious why Cliff is desperate to. Billy, though. Very strange.]
I don't believe that shit about it being 10000 years in the future or whatever. I mean, OK, maybe it's true. Who cares. If they can bring us 10000 years in the future, they can bring us back.
So. He's still gonna be there. I'm sure of it.
Are you guys... like, casual? Or is it a pretty big thing.
[ That was Phoenix who had a good time not him! The groan is long-suffering especially because he has to think about who he was doing stuff with and no. ]
I went to a powerful sorceror about helping me try to get my memories back.
[ It was exciting, then, in a different way. A not so fun away. He does not unbury himself from his hands because he did not expect to be discussing his relationship with Eddie today, actually. ]
It was big? I'd like to think it was big. We had just said I love you. [ Which is embarrassing to say out loud but not as mortifying as the next line, ] But I've been here longer than I got to date Eddie... I mean, I've been here, like, a quarter of my life anyway.
That sounds like less fun. You should try the thing I said too and see if you get more memories.
Whoa, that's great. Good for you, man. I mean, fuck if I even know what love is. And uh... aren't you sixteen; you haven't been here... [oh right] Wait. When are you counting from? Like when you took William's body?
I would love to if there was anyone kissable and the Fae weren't involved.
[ Like!!! Especially with forgetting Eddie, he is (unfortunately) going with he probably doesn't have a relationship anymore but - ]
[ Another long-suffering groan. ]
I'll be seventeen in a month. I feel seventeen. [ That's the important part. Takes a breath and drops his hands to look at him, ]
But yeah, kind of? The stuff in Westview happened three years ago which means we didn't exist before three years ago. So, if I didn't exist before then and didn't have memories before then - [ he shrugs. It practically makes his existence like four, right? ]
Pucker up, big guy. Your offer was good for a week, right?
[see if he can crack jokes about it that means there's no more awkwardness cliff logic]
And hey. ...Me, too, sort of. I don't really know how many days it's been here; I kinda didn't count at first and it blurred together, but I was about two months away from seventeen.
[The hell is Westville.]
And... yeah, you sorta lost me, but. Did you have like... implanted memories? Like do you have fake memories of you being ten or something? That sort of... counts. Right?
I really don't think I want to be part of your am I gay crisis more than I already have. Once you've kissed me you'll definitely not be thinking about any girls.
[ This is also a joke. ]
Then you should do something for it - you know, if you want.
[ Closing his eyes, honestly. ]
I have memories of being ten for like... three days.
Yoooooooooooo. Where's this confidence coming from? Damn. Sexy, bro.
[ok that's enough gay ribbing]
So. Let me get this straight. Your parents made you with magic and sort of... made you like, as a teenager? And gave you a few fake memories so it seemed more natural?
...Shit. Really should have just put you at like, 21 if they were gonna do that. Being a teenager kinda sucks.
Hey -- we should have a big party together! [...] OK, not like, the kind of big party with a lotta drinking 'cause I know that's not your thing, but. We're gonna be almost 18, that's a pretty big deal. We'll make the castle make us tons of food, we'll invite everyone we like...
... The more I try to explain the more insane it'll sound. So can we just leave it as 'Billy Maximoff was born and died in a week at age ten?'
[ Which, until yesterday, he couldn't fully explain at - Now though, ] I guess the point is, I didn't exist as I do until three years ago. And until. Yesterday. I didn't remember any of it.
[ really insert 'yesterday' as some nebulous time between now and then. How does he tell Cliff he doesn't really have friends because he hid away... And also: ]
We can put something together for you. I'm okay not doing anything.
[Cliff gives Billy the dirtiest look he's ever thrown in his direction.]
...No.
[He knows it's serious because there's nothing surrounding that word. No jokes, no slang, no nothing.]
Fuck off, man. We're celebrating you, too.
[Technically, Billy must have remembered something to be able to tell him about the whole robot / witch parent thing, but that's probably not the important detail right now.]
What I'm hearing... is that Billiam B. Kaplan [he's decided this is funny so he's sticking with it] has never had a real birthday party. William might have. And you in William's body. But! No one's ever celebrated you as you.
[ Honestly, it's the hard no that gets him first. That snaps him to attention and to the look that Cliff gives him. It's harsh and demanding. Billy feels himself freeze in his spot. We're celebrating you, too, Cliff demands and Billy starts to shake his head - an extremely tiny motion - that's not necessary. ]
[ Any urge to scoff or roll his eyes at something that is decidedly not his name is lost in the wave the crashes over him. For as much as Cliff might cite that he's not smart enough sometimes, it's not lost on him how quickly and easily he clocked into this fact. How hearing him say it traps him in the sinking reality of the truth -
Whoever he was hadn't been allowed to exist so his parents could be spared, after all. Billy or the mixture of both he's made himself to be, the one he's only known, was someone who wasn't known. Until now. ]
[ You're allowed to be celebrated, Clint had said days before. A statement that made him break down then, like a fishing ship overtaken by a storm. And since then - he's spoken to Agatha. Knows his parents feelings. He's gone with Strange to reclaim what he could and now - No one's ever celebrated you as you. If that had been a fishing boat this is a cruise ship lost at sea because he blinks stunned, confused and the next thing he knows is that his heart aches and twists and his vision blurs entirely. ]
[ A breath comes out in a small puff like he wants to try to say something and can't quite make the word, and instead he buries his hands in his face to try and keep from crying, but the cracks in the dam he'd managed to build back up are gone and the dam is demolished and it's all he can do to breathe, let alone stop crying. ]
He's always known, on some level, that part of Billy's caregiving and selfless nature was tied to his... inferiority complex. Perhaps that wasn't the best term for it, but the deflection and the refusal to acknowledge his own needs and wants in favor of focusing on others. Cliff understands this impulse, to some degree, though his own flavor of deflection has more to do with self-loathing than anything else. Every time they had circled perilously close to Billy deserving something, Billy not needing to earn the right to have something, the other boy had carefully maneuvered away from the topic. Or outright denied it.
Perhaps he had voiced it too strongly. But Cliff was Cliff, and he wouldn't be Cliff if he didn't get heated in the blink of an eye, and he felt adamantly - fervently that something was unjust in the world if Billy allowed one more day to pass without acknowledging that he deserved to be here.
After a moment of his best bud sobbing, Cliff silently gets up from his seated position on the floor. It's good that Billy's too busy crying right now to look up, because Cliff carries out a very awkward series of maneuvers wherein his hands hover at various places along Billy's upper back, arm, and head with the attitude of one trying to decide how best to pick up a hedgehog. He's clapped Billy on the back once. He's roughhoused with Billy. But eventually, a warm hand barely descends on Billy's shoulder to give it a light squeeze.
It remains there.]
Hey.
...It's OK.
[It is. He doesn't have much else to say beyond that.]
[ A small part of the teenager - or smaller than it once was - regrets telling anyone who he was. Is. Wants to be. If only because that smaller part of him still believes he stole something from William. That his existence is bad. And while recent events and people have made that feeling lesser, has made him accept himself more, there's still too much guilt on a boy who is otherwise... to put it bluntly, still a gentle and innocent soul at heart. Even if he'll never believe that of himself- ]
[ - the irony there being, of course, he'll always believe the opposite for others. That others have the right and aren't bad, that is. ]
[ The smaller that part of him gets, the more he believes they're right. The more the William who was supposed to be ceases to exist - He's not fully ready to accept that this is the way it was meant to be, that they were always meant to become one. So, no, he doesn't think he deserves any of it even if he wants to deserve all of it. To be seen and know himself and mostly - Others seeing him is wildly terrifying in a different way. ]
[ ( It's as stupid as it is complicated and his feelings are a mess of a concoction that he's too long bottled up and pulled the lid on that now it feels like an explosion). ]
[ An explosion he can't have because he feels Cliff's worry and his awkwardness. Knows from feeling and thought alone he's not sure what to do and his breath comes out in quicker beats as he tries to force back the wave that seems relentless. And then Cliff touches him - of his own accord, with his own gentleness - that he chokes back a sob in surprise. ]
[ Scrunches his eyes closed as he wipes at his eyes. And tries to center himself even though the tears don't quite stop and he breathes out through his nostrils. ]
Yeah.
Sorry.
[ For crying. For everything. For putting him in this position. ]
[Cliff is too much of a teenaged boy to say anything like 'it's good to cry' because hell no it's embarrassing as fucking shit, but he can at least convey the sense that it's safe to cry around him, at least. Even if it's still embarrassing as fucking shit. He glances around to see if there are any tissues anywhere and manages to come up with some napkins from the kitchen table, which he passes over to Billy silently.]
...Was it the party? You're disappointed I didn't remember the male strippers, aren't you.
[Be Unapologetically Annoying: the Cliff Norman Story]
Well. You can't tell me you don't want this now, so don't even try and pretend, OK? [the party, not the strippers] It'll be great. Promise. I mean... don't get your hopes up for decorations or whatever but I know how to have a good time.
[ This is supposed to be about your am I gay crisis!!! Fingers flit over eyelids like doing so will make the tears stop. Woefully it doesn't even if he's calmed from his near hyperventilation moments before. Cliff hands him a napkin and he smiles in thanks before taking it - the expression strained and certainly funny when he's otherwise in tears. ]
[ Moves to use it before coughing a laugh that's too hoarse to be more of one: ] Definitely the strippers, obviously.
[ It's a joke. He's a sixteen-almost-seventeen-year-old he does not need a stripper birthday party. He swallows roughly and keeps his attention downwards: ]
I don't have high expectations for anything - [ A beat, ] I mean. I'm not -
[ He breathes out. ] You saying that means more than any party. I don't need anything. I'm not saying that to be dismissal -
[ To do what he was doing before he means. He swallows. ] It's weird to make a big deal out of it.
[Cliff rolls his eyes in a perfunctory manner, because he's obligated to roll his eyes once every five minutes as a sullen teenager.]
It's not a 'big deal,' man. It's a totally normal thing all Americans in the year of our Lord 202X do for literally every single human being who's alive. Geez, the only person who thinks it's a big deal is you.
[A playful swat at Billy's head as he releases his shoulder.]
See, that's your problem. I'm not doing you some huge favor or anything. It's just a thing we do for each other, man, 'cause we're friends. A thing we wanna do for each other.
Sucks to have friends who like ya, bud, but you're gonna have to put up with it.
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no subject
I have friends back home I... trust the same way I trust you, but... they're all a lot older than me.
[It literally was just Billy. Well, there was the snake lady, but she was literally a thousand years older than him.]
There's gotta be more to it than just liking someone. ...And I know, like. [a long pause] Sex. But. [...OK he does think about sex with girls? He's a pretty normal guy that way. But that's not why he likes them... is it?]
...Um. Can you fix my hoodie?
[Here he is, asking for favors literally 5 seconds after resolving this friendship crisis.]
A fairy... took its color. Don't ask me what that means.
no subject
[ Colors in surprise and ducks his head. ]
Thanks?
[ ... ] Well, we know you're not attracted to me and definitely weren't interested in kissing me. That doesn't mean you might not find a guy you like just - you know - one person you wouldn't be attracted to.
[ Helpfully. Is that helpfully? He colors a little more. ]
I mean. When I figured out I was gay it wasn't because I thought about having sex with them. I don't remember thinking about kissing them either - [ a beat? ] I mean, I did think about kissing them a little, I guess when I was older, later but... mostly I thought about how nice they were to be around and how cute they were.
[ spoilers: isn't billy an amnesiac? ]
[ oh. well that's an easy task. he nods and with that look cliff's hoodie will change back to red- though, as noted, it's a more muted red than it once was. his brow furrows ] It didn't go the red it was meant to.
no subject
[How does he put this.]
Hey, it's not -- [damn. there's no way without being weird.] It's not you, man. It's not like... 'fuck no way it's happening with this dude.' I just... I really never thought about it. Like that wasn't even an option and then it suddenly was.
You're fucking fantastic. If I ever do figure out that I like a guy, I hope... he's half as good as you. And I mean - you just said, right? It's not like... you started off wanting to swap spit with guys. I still think girls are fucking hot, and I sort of see that in my future, but I...
I dunno. I'm... gonna think more about it.
[A snort.]
Maybe I'll find a new and exciting way to piss off Carl.
[As the hoodie restores, he frowns. Shit. Did that even make sense? Why wasn't it going back to its normal color?]
...Weird. It's just... stuck?
no subject
You don't have to explain anything. There's a chance you'll wake up one day madly in love with me, that kind of thing happens, too.
[ It's a joke - No seriousness or anticipation that he should. His fingers raising and lowering in a 'you know' gesture before he adds - ]
Calling girls 'fucking hot,' but not saying the same about guys is a pretty good indicator, for the record. You don't have to figure it out now - for a lot of people they don't feel it's an option until they see it. Bisexuality is a thing, too.
[ His grin is a little sheepish - ]
But what do I know? Pretty sure I'm not straight in any universe and, no offense, I'm happy for that.
[ but he'll try again... and again. nope, it's as dark as it gets. ]
I think so. Changing clothes is easy for me. I mean, you saw my hoodie this color is on I know... and I can't get it.
no subject
[He grins in a manner that suggests he finds this amusing.
Cliff can be described by a lot of negative adjectives, but toxic masculinity isn't really his vibe. ...Is he frequently toxic in a masculine, aggressive and rage-defined way? Yes and yes. But societal expectations of masculinity itself have never really factored into the equation in any way.]
Hey, at the rate I'm going, I'm not smooching anyone, so what's it even matter.
[and that, probably, is that. Cliff looks down at his hoodie and flattens his lips slightly in displeasure.]
...Shit. I guess they figured I would try and cheat. I mean... it's kind of... mostly the same. [And it's not like color doesn't fade with time and sunlight, so... the hoodie would have ended up like this sooner or later, anyway. Still. He does feel... guilty. The color is immaterial to the concept of the hoodie - this object that represents his relationship with the person who gave so much of himself to Cliff back home. As long as they didn't take the hoodie itself, it was... it was fine.]
I traded it.
The seller said it was for something... powerful.
no subject
So we're both not smooching anyone anytime soon.
[ His smile turns a little apologetic. ]
Sorry, sometimes... they let you think you pulled one over on them. What did you get?
no subject
Or maybe his plan had been to beat Billy up until they were friends again. One or the other.]
...I thought we talked about that. And you said you didn't have a boyfriend.
[He remembers that pretty clearly because he had made it awkward. ...There wasn't any weird swapping going on again, was there?]
no subject
I didn't.
[ Okay, wrong words. ] Or, I didn't think I did at the time. I didn't remember. I did something the other day with some- That part doesn't matter, I think, but -
When I died the hydra took memories from me. It was Eddie, like, everything about him.
no subject
Yo, good for you.
[Get 'em, Billy.]
...Eddie's someone here? You, uh. [did some stuff with Eddie] You did stuff with Eddie?
no subject
No. No, Eddie isn't here. I haven't seen him in like ten months. [ You know, for as loeg as he's been here. He's coloring more despite himself as he breathes out. ]
Hence the I'm not even sure I have a boyfriend comment anymore.
no subject
[It really is a mystery why Billy maintains this friendship. It's obvious why Cliff is desperate to. Billy, though. Very strange.]
I don't believe that shit about it being 10000 years in the future or whatever. I mean, OK, maybe it's true. Who cares. If they can bring us 10000 years in the future, they can bring us back.
So. He's still gonna be there. I'm sure of it.
Are you guys... like, casual? Or is it a pretty big thing.
no subject
[ That was Phoenix who had a good time not him! The groan is long-suffering especially because he has to think about who he was doing stuff with and no. ]
I went to a powerful sorceror about helping me try to get my memories back.
[ It was exciting, then, in a different way. A not so fun away. He does not unbury himself from his hands because he did not expect to be discussing his relationship with Eddie today, actually. ]
It was big? I'd like to think it was big. We had just said I love you. [ Which is embarrassing to say out loud but not as mortifying as the next line, ] But I've been here longer than I got to date Eddie... I mean, I've been here, like, a quarter of my life anyway.
no subject
[a pause]
That sounds like less fun. You should try the thing I said too and see if you get more memories.
Whoa, that's great. Good for you, man. I mean, fuck if I even know what love is. And uh... aren't you sixteen; you haven't been here... [oh right] Wait. When are you counting from? Like when you took William's body?
no subject
I would love to if there was anyone kissable and the Fae weren't involved.
[ Like!!! Especially with forgetting Eddie, he is (unfortunately) going with he probably doesn't have a relationship anymore but - ]
[ Another long-suffering groan. ]
I'll be seventeen in a month. I feel seventeen. [ That's the important part. Takes a breath and drops his hands to look at him, ]
But yeah, kind of? The stuff in Westview happened three years ago which means we didn't exist before three years ago. So, if I didn't exist before then and didn't have memories before then - [ he shrugs. It practically makes his existence like four, right? ]
no subject
[see if he can crack jokes about it that means there's no more awkwardness
cliff logic]
And hey. ...Me, too, sort of. I don't really know how many days it's been here; I kinda didn't count at first and it blurred together, but I was about two months away from seventeen.
[The hell is Westville.]
And... yeah, you sorta lost me, but. Did you have like... implanted memories? Like do you have fake memories of you being ten or something? That sort of... counts. Right?
no subject
[ This is also a joke. ]
Then you should do something for it - you know, if you want.
[ Closing his eyes, honestly. ]
I have memories of being ten for like... three days.
no subject
[ok that's enough gay ribbing]
So. Let me get this straight. Your parents made you with magic and sort of... made you like, as a teenager? And gave you a few fake memories so it seemed more natural?
...Shit. Really should have just put you at like, 21 if they were gonna do that. Being a teenager kinda sucks.
Hey -- we should have a big party together! [...] OK, not like, the kind of big party with a lotta drinking 'cause I know that's not your thing, but. We're gonna be almost 18, that's a pretty big deal. We'll make the castle make us tons of food, we'll invite everyone we like...
[He pauses for thought.]
You invite everyone you like, I'll invite... you.
[Cliff is Bad at Making Friends.]
no subject
[ Which, until yesterday, he couldn't fully explain at - Now though, ] I guess the point is, I didn't exist as I do until three years ago. And until. Yesterday. I didn't remember any of it.
[ really insert 'yesterday' as some nebulous time between now and then. How does he tell Cliff he doesn't really have friends because he hid away... And also: ]
We can put something together for you. I'm okay not doing anything.
no subject
...No.
[He knows it's serious because there's nothing surrounding that word. No jokes, no slang, no nothing.]
Fuck off, man. We're celebrating you, too.
[Technically, Billy must have remembered something to be able to tell him about the whole robot / witch parent thing, but that's probably not the important detail right now.]
What I'm hearing... is that Billiam B. Kaplan [he's decided this is funny so he's sticking with it] has never had a real birthday party. William might have. And you in William's body. But! No one's ever celebrated you as you.
So that's what's happening.
no subject
[ Any urge to scoff or roll his eyes at something that is decidedly not his name is lost in the wave the crashes over him. For as much as Cliff might cite that he's not smart enough sometimes, it's not lost on him how quickly and easily he clocked into this fact. How hearing him say it traps him in the sinking reality of the truth -
Whoever he was hadn't been allowed to exist so his parents could be spared, after all. Billy or the mixture of both he's made himself to be, the one he's only known, was someone who wasn't known. Until now. ]
[ You're allowed to be celebrated, Clint had said days before. A statement that made him break down then, like a fishing ship overtaken by a storm. And since then - he's spoken to Agatha. Knows his parents feelings. He's gone with Strange to reclaim what he could and now - No one's ever celebrated you as you. If that had been a fishing boat this is a cruise ship lost at sea because he blinks stunned, confused and the next thing he knows is that his heart aches and twists and his vision blurs entirely. ]
[ A breath comes out in a small puff like he wants to try to say something and can't quite make the word, and instead he buries his hands in his face to try and keep from crying, but the cracks in the dam he'd managed to build back up are gone and the dam is demolished and it's all he can do to breathe, let alone stop crying. ]
no subject
He broke Billy.
He's always known, on some level, that part of Billy's caregiving and selfless nature was tied to his... inferiority complex. Perhaps that wasn't the best term for it, but the deflection and the refusal to acknowledge his own needs and wants in favor of focusing on others. Cliff understands this impulse, to some degree, though his own flavor of deflection has more to do with self-loathing than anything else. Every time they had circled perilously close to Billy deserving something, Billy not needing to earn the right to have something, the other boy had carefully maneuvered away from the topic. Or outright denied it.
Perhaps he had voiced it too strongly. But Cliff was Cliff, and he wouldn't be Cliff if he didn't get heated in the blink of an eye, and he felt adamantly - fervently that something was unjust in the world if Billy allowed one more day to pass without acknowledging that he deserved to be here.
After a moment of his best bud sobbing, Cliff silently gets up from his seated position on the floor. It's good that Billy's too busy crying right now to look up, because Cliff carries out a very awkward series of maneuvers wherein his hands hover at various places along Billy's upper back, arm, and head with the attitude of one trying to decide how best to pick up a hedgehog. He's clapped Billy on the back once. He's roughhoused with Billy. But eventually, a warm hand barely descends on Billy's shoulder to give it a light squeeze.
It remains there.]
Hey.
...It's OK.
[It is. He doesn't have much else to say beyond that.]
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[ A small part of the teenager - or smaller than it once was - regrets telling anyone who he was. Is. Wants to be. If only because that smaller part of him still believes he stole something from William. That his existence is bad. And while recent events and people have made that feeling lesser, has made him accept himself more, there's still too much guilt on a boy who is otherwise... to put it bluntly, still a gentle and innocent soul at heart. Even if he'll never believe that of himself- ]
[ - the irony there being, of course, he'll always believe the opposite for others. That others have the right and aren't bad, that is. ]
[ The smaller that part of him gets, the more he believes they're right. The more the William who was supposed to be ceases to exist - He's not fully ready to accept that this is the way it was meant to be, that they were always meant to become one. So, no, he doesn't think he deserves any of it even if he wants to deserve all of it. To be seen and know himself and mostly - Others seeing him is wildly terrifying in a different way. ]
[ ( It's as stupid as it is complicated and his feelings are a mess of a concoction that he's too long bottled up and pulled the lid on that now it feels like an explosion). ]
[ An explosion he can't have because he feels Cliff's worry and his awkwardness. Knows from feeling and thought alone he's not sure what to do and his breath comes out in quicker beats as he tries to force back the wave that seems relentless. And then Cliff touches him - of his own accord, with his own gentleness - that he chokes back a sob in surprise. ]
[ Scrunches his eyes closed as he wipes at his eyes. And tries to center himself even though the tears don't quite stop and he breathes out through his nostrils. ]
Yeah.
Sorry.
[ For crying. For everything. For putting him in this position. ]
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You've seen me crying. It happens.
[Cliff is too much of a teenaged boy to say anything like 'it's good to cry' because hell no it's embarrassing as fucking shit, but he can at least convey the sense that it's safe to cry around him, at least. Even if it's still embarrassing as fucking shit. He glances around to see if there are any tissues anywhere and manages to come up with some napkins from the kitchen table, which he passes over to Billy silently.]
...Was it the party? You're disappointed I didn't remember the male strippers, aren't you.
[Be Unapologetically Annoying: the Cliff Norman Story]
Well. You can't tell me you don't want this now, so don't even try and pretend, OK? [the party, not the strippers] It'll be great. Promise. I mean... don't get your hopes up for decorations or whatever but I know how to have a good time.
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[ This is supposed to be about your am I gay crisis!!! Fingers flit over eyelids like doing so will make the tears stop. Woefully it doesn't even if he's calmed from his near hyperventilation moments before. Cliff hands him a napkin and he smiles in thanks before taking it - the expression strained and certainly funny when he's otherwise in tears. ]
[ Moves to use it before coughing a laugh that's too hoarse to be more of one: ] Definitely the strippers, obviously.
[ It's a joke. He's a sixteen-almost-seventeen-year-old he does not need a stripper birthday party. He swallows roughly and keeps his attention downwards: ]
I don't have high expectations for anything - [ A beat, ] I mean. I'm not -
[ He breathes out. ] You saying that means more than any party. I don't need anything. I'm not saying that to be dismissal -
[ To do what he was doing before he means. He swallows. ] It's weird to make a big deal out of it.
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It's not a 'big deal,' man. It's a totally normal thing all Americans in the year of our Lord 202X do for literally every single human being who's alive. Geez, the only person who thinks it's a big deal is you.
[A playful swat at Billy's head as he releases his shoulder.]
See, that's your problem. I'm not doing you some huge favor or anything. It's just a thing we do for each other, man, 'cause we're friends. A thing we wanna do for each other.
Sucks to have friends who like ya, bud, but you're gonna have to put up with it.
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