[Cliff is too much of a teenaged boy to say anything like 'it's good to cry' because hell no it's embarrassing as fucking shit, but he can at least convey the sense that it's safe to cry around him, at least. Even if it's still embarrassing as fucking shit. He glances around to see if there are any tissues anywhere and manages to come up with some napkins from the kitchen table, which he passes over to Billy silently.]
...Was it the party? You're disappointed I didn't remember the male strippers, aren't you.
[Be Unapologetically Annoying: the Cliff Norman Story]
Well. You can't tell me you don't want this now, so don't even try and pretend, OK? [the party, not the strippers] It'll be great. Promise. I mean... don't get your hopes up for decorations or whatever but I know how to have a good time.
[ This is supposed to be about your am I gay crisis!!! Fingers flit over eyelids like doing so will make the tears stop. Woefully it doesn't even if he's calmed from his near hyperventilation moments before. Cliff hands him a napkin and he smiles in thanks before taking it - the expression strained and certainly funny when he's otherwise in tears. ]
[ Moves to use it before coughing a laugh that's too hoarse to be more of one: ] Definitely the strippers, obviously.
[ It's a joke. He's a sixteen-almost-seventeen-year-old he does not need a stripper birthday party. He swallows roughly and keeps his attention downwards: ]
I don't have high expectations for anything - [ A beat, ] I mean. I'm not -
[ He breathes out. ] You saying that means more than any party. I don't need anything. I'm not saying that to be dismissal -
[ To do what he was doing before he means. He swallows. ] It's weird to make a big deal out of it.
[Cliff rolls his eyes in a perfunctory manner, because he's obligated to roll his eyes once every five minutes as a sullen teenager.]
It's not a 'big deal,' man. It's a totally normal thing all Americans in the year of our Lord 202X do for literally every single human being who's alive. Geez, the only person who thinks it's a big deal is you.
[A playful swat at Billy's head as he releases his shoulder.]
See, that's your problem. I'm not doing you some huge favor or anything. It's just a thing we do for each other, man, 'cause we're friends. A thing we wanna do for each other.
Sucks to have friends who like ya, bud, but you're gonna have to put up with it.
[ Huffs a breath as he closes his eyes once more wishing he could stop crying when he quietly adds: ]
It is. To me, it is.
[ It gets stuck in his throat. As does the 'you know that,' because he's right - it's not like he ever truly let himself exist before now. When he chose to be himself he'd been brought here. And then took several steps back for different reasons. He wipes at an eye: ]
[He does know that. But he's purposefully making light of it because -- he wants Billy to know such an ordinary, commonplace thing is just the least of what he deserves.]
Well, they're missing out.
I don't have friends 'cause I'm a jackass [self-awareness is good] but you deserve a lot more. ...Actually, nah, I'd rather have you to myself. If people figure out how great you are, who am I gonna hang with?
[He's not even joking.]
Hey. I'm serious though. If you put yourself out there, people'll be falling over themselves to do shit for you.
[ An exasperated sigh, but he doesn't deny he's a jackass at least. That declaration is embarrassing though, this whole thing is embarrassing! Which is helpfully enough to get him to stop crying because he's now scrunching up his face and going way too red. ]
You're supposed to say I'm a misunderstood soul or some shit like that. Fuck you.
[...not exactly disproving Billy's point, but Cliff wrinkles his nose.]
Well, now I'm gonna be an asshole to you. ...Do you actually not want that? Or are you afraid to accept it because it means you gotta accept that you're someone worth doing shit for?
...Oh I thought you meant I was like. An uber jackass or something.
[whoops oh well]
Eh, I'm already on a roll.
I think you want this shit. Not that you want people to do shit for you. But you wanna have these experiences; you're just too much of a fucking do-gooder wrapped up in, you know. The half dozen complexes you have. [no judgment, cliff has a solid half dozen too]
Look me in the eyes and say there's no part of you that wants to be a normal teen having a dope-ass party with his friends celebrating his birthday eating cake and blasting music. Don't think about 'it's gonna mean other people gotta take time' and blah blah blah -- fuck that shit!
Just you. It's just you and you get to think about what you want.
[ It's mouthed quietly. He doesn't have complexes! (Yes, he does). Why is Cliff being such a positive jackass about this? He scrubs at his eyes before sighing breathing out. ]
Of course I want that.
[ He does look at him even if he drops his gaze pretty immediately then shrugs his shoulders a little. He doesn't want to say the secondary reason it's pretty weird but also even more quietly than the rude earlier- ] - I died on my birthday.
[Cliff grins and raises an eyebrow in a manner that suggests he's up to no good.]
Then that's what you're gonna get.
[That's it. That's all he wanted Billy to say. He wants something nice. No meek 'but people will have to do things for me' no denial of his own feelings. Is it right to push him like this? Maybe not, and heck if he's a therapist, but god damn does Billy need to try to put himself first for once.
One last playful cuff on the shoulder before he backs off and flops down in a chair, finally, like a normal person. Mission accom -- ]
...Uh. What now?
[god damn why is there always something else]
...You? Or, uh. William? [there's a lot of death happening. at least he knows it's probably not phoenix's death]
[ He smiles a little apologetically. Yeah. It's always something else, sorry. ]
Both.
[ He breathes out, ] The day the stuff in Westview ended was the day of William's Bar Mitzvah. They were told to evacuate and mom - We had a car accident.
[ obviously he didn't make it. ]
[ editor's note: technically going with the rule of thumb that they probably used movie magic for the audience of the day = birthday but also (: if math is right then billy/william were both born on nov 4 (gregorian calendar) and died on nov 11........ and reborn on november 11. 11:11 make a wish etc ]
[Cliff sticks his tongue out a bit and bites it in thought as he tries to make sense of what exactly the timeline is here.]
...What's Westview again?
[Actually he had never really learned about the fake TV sitcom reality so that part's kind of new to him.]
'Kay, well. Honestly. It doesn't matter. ...'Kay, that's not what I mean, it does matter in your life, but. Like. It won't matter now 'cause A. who the hell knows what the date is here anyway and B. we're gonna override any of those shitty memory associations with something way better.
Birthdays gotta be associated with something fun. The other stuff... you keep with you, but don't let it ruin something good.
If I try to explain you'll be even more confused. It's where I was born. Or Billy, William was born in Eastview.
[ this explains nothing and everything. ]
[ he shifts a little, ]
Since when were you the giver of life advice? [ Lightly said. ] I think that's it, I don't have good associations with it. So I just want to ignore it totally.
[He crosses his arms behind his head and tilts back the chair.]
Ignoring it is a terrible way to do shit. You gotta replace it with better memories. Trust me. I don't know anything about advice, but I do know how to live.
[And to be fair, Cliff does seem to have the ability to maximize his own enjoyment of life at most times, even if it comes at the flammability of others.]
Also those names cannot possibly be real; those are worse than Podunk.
[ A light-hearted remark. He does frown a little at the idea of replacing it with better memories - an idea that seems wrong. That moment was a fundamental part of how he came to be. He doesn't say anything about it, though, and breathes out instead: ]
Definitely real. My birth certificate would prove it.
[ But only for Eastview. Westview also exists, but that's different. ] They're pretty normal names? It's not like West Virginia and East Virginia doesn't exist.
You can probably make your birth certificate say anything you want it to.
[He shrugs. Billy's so determined to be sad!! First he's sad about dying on his birthday now he's sad about trying to make an effort not to think too much about dying on his birthday. The only way to fix this is tequila ... ]
So?
You ready for a birthday bash?
C'mon, I don't wanna do this with you dragging your feet and trying to think that you gotta be reluctant and shit. I want you to be excited! We're turning seventeen, man! We've got no parents, we can do literally anything. From PG to NC17. You wanna go in PJs and have a pillow fight, sure. You wanna get fairy strippers, that's probably a thing! You wanna eat cream puffs until you puke, that's probably part of what I'm doing.
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no subject
You've seen me crying. It happens.
[Cliff is too much of a teenaged boy to say anything like 'it's good to cry' because hell no it's embarrassing as fucking shit, but he can at least convey the sense that it's safe to cry around him, at least. Even if it's still embarrassing as fucking shit. He glances around to see if there are any tissues anywhere and manages to come up with some napkins from the kitchen table, which he passes over to Billy silently.]
...Was it the party? You're disappointed I didn't remember the male strippers, aren't you.
[Be Unapologetically Annoying: the Cliff Norman Story]
Well. You can't tell me you don't want this now, so don't even try and pretend, OK? [the party, not the strippers] It'll be great. Promise. I mean... don't get your hopes up for decorations or whatever but I know how to have a good time.
no subject
[ This is supposed to be about your am I gay crisis!!! Fingers flit over eyelids like doing so will make the tears stop. Woefully it doesn't even if he's calmed from his near hyperventilation moments before. Cliff hands him a napkin and he smiles in thanks before taking it - the expression strained and certainly funny when he's otherwise in tears. ]
[ Moves to use it before coughing a laugh that's too hoarse to be more of one: ] Definitely the strippers, obviously.
[ It's a joke. He's a sixteen-almost-seventeen-year-old he does not need a stripper birthday party. He swallows roughly and keeps his attention downwards: ]
I don't have high expectations for anything - [ A beat, ] I mean. I'm not -
[ He breathes out. ] You saying that means more than any party. I don't need anything. I'm not saying that to be dismissal -
[ To do what he was doing before he means. He swallows. ] It's weird to make a big deal out of it.
no subject
It's not a 'big deal,' man. It's a totally normal thing all Americans in the year of our Lord 202X do for literally every single human being who's alive. Geez, the only person who thinks it's a big deal is you.
[A playful swat at Billy's head as he releases his shoulder.]
See, that's your problem. I'm not doing you some huge favor or anything. It's just a thing we do for each other, man, 'cause we're friends. A thing we wanna do for each other.
Sucks to have friends who like ya, bud, but you're gonna have to put up with it.
no subject
Immediate, reflexive. Not even hurt. Just! Ow.
[ Huffs a breath as he closes his eyes once more wishing he could stop crying when he quietly adds: ]
It is. To me, it is.
[ It gets stuck in his throat. As does the 'you know that,' because he's right - it's not like he ever truly let himself exist before now. When he chose to be himself he'd been brought here. And then took several steps back for different reasons. He wipes at an eye: ]
... I don't exactly have a lot of friends.
no subject
Well, they're missing out.
I don't have friends 'cause I'm a jackass [self-awareness is good] but you deserve a lot more. ...Actually, nah, I'd rather have you to myself. If people figure out how great you are, who am I gonna hang with?
[He's not even joking.]
Hey. I'm serious though. If you put yourself out there, people'll be falling over themselves to do shit for you.
no subject
[ An exasperated sigh, but he doesn't deny he's a jackass at least. That declaration is embarrassing though, this whole thing is embarrassing! Which is helpfully enough to get him to stop crying because he's now scrunching up his face and going way too red. ]
I don't want people to do that, though.
no subject
You're supposed to say I'm a misunderstood soul or some shit like that. Fuck you.
[...not exactly disproving Billy's point, but
Cliff wrinkles his nose.]
Well, now I'm gonna be an asshole to you. ...Do you actually not want that? Or are you afraid to accept it because it means you gotta accept that you're someone worth doing shit for?
no subject
[ Helpfull! Is it helpfully. ]
[ Why are you terrorizing him, though. He shoots him a look and... shrugs. ]
Both, I guess. I don't do anything for people to do stuff for me back.
no subject
[whoops
oh well]
Eh, I'm already on a roll.
I think you want this shit. Not that you want people to do shit for you. But you wanna have these experiences; you're just too much of a fucking do-gooder wrapped up in, you know. The half dozen complexes you have. [no judgment, cliff has a solid half dozen too]
Look me in the eyes and say there's no part of you that wants to be a normal teen having a dope-ass party with his friends celebrating his birthday eating cake and blasting music. Don't think about 'it's gonna mean other people gotta take time' and blah blah blah -- fuck that shit!
Just you. It's just you and you get to think about what you want.
no subject
[ It's mouthed quietly. He doesn't have complexes! (Yes, he does). Why is Cliff being such a positive jackass about this? He scrubs at his eyes before sighing breathing out. ]
Of course I want that.
[ He does look at him even if he drops his gaze pretty immediately then shrugs his shoulders a little. He doesn't want to say the secondary reason it's pretty weird but also even more quietly than the rude earlier- ] - I died on my birthday.
[ so you know there's that. ]
no subject
Then that's what you're gonna get.
[That's it. That's all he wanted Billy to say. He wants something nice. No meek 'but people will have to do things for me' no denial of his own feelings. Is it right to push him like this? Maybe not, and heck if he's a therapist, but god damn does Billy need to try to put himself first for once.
One last playful cuff on the shoulder before he backs off and flops down in a chair, finally, like a normal person. Mission accom -- ]
...Uh. What now?
[god damn why is there always something else]
...You? Or, uh. William? [there's a lot of death happening. at least he knows it's probably not phoenix's death]
no subject
[ He smiles a little apologetically. Yeah. It's always something else, sorry. ]
Both.
[ He breathes out, ] The day the stuff in Westview ended was the day of William's Bar Mitzvah. They were told to evacuate and mom - We had a car accident.
[ obviously he didn't make it. ]
[ editor's note: technically going with the rule of thumb that they probably used movie magic for the audience of the day = birthday but also (: if math is right then billy/william were both born on nov 4 (gregorian calendar) and died on nov 11........ and reborn on november 11. 11:11 make a wish etc ]
no subject
...What's Westview again?
[Actually he had never really learned about the fake TV sitcom reality so that part's kind of new to him.]
'Kay, well. Honestly. It doesn't matter. ...'Kay, that's not what I mean, it does matter in your life, but. Like. It won't matter now 'cause A. who the hell knows what the date is here anyway and B. we're gonna override any of those shitty memory associations with something way better.
Birthdays gotta be associated with something fun. The other stuff... you keep with you, but don't let it ruin something good.
no subject
[ this explains nothing and everything. ]
[ he shifts a little, ]
Since when were you the giver of life advice? [ Lightly said. ] I think that's it, I don't have good associations with it. So I just want to ignore it totally.
no subject
[He crosses his arms behind his head and tilts back the chair.]
Ignoring it is a terrible way to do shit. You gotta replace it with better memories. Trust me. I don't know anything about advice, but I do know how to live.
[And to be fair, Cliff does seem to have the ability to maximize his own enjoyment of life at most times, even if it comes at the flammability of others.]
Also those names cannot possibly be real; those are worse than Podunk.
no subject
[ A light-hearted remark. He does frown a little at the idea of replacing it with better memories - an idea that seems wrong. That moment was a fundamental part of how he came to be. He doesn't say anything about it, though, and breathes out instead: ]
Definitely real. My birth certificate would prove it.
[ But only for Eastview. Westview also exists, but that's different. ] They're pretty normal names? It's not like West Virginia and East Virginia doesn't exist.
no subject
[He shrugs. Billy's so determined to be sad!! First he's sad about dying on his birthday now he's sad about trying to make an effort not to think too much about dying on his birthday. The only way to fix this is
tequila... ]So?
You ready for a birthday bash?
C'mon, I don't wanna do this with you dragging your feet and trying to think that you gotta be reluctant and shit. I want you to be excited! We're turning seventeen, man! We've got no parents, we can do literally anything. From PG to NC17. You wanna go in PJs and have a pillow fight, sure. You wanna get fairy strippers, that's probably a thing! You wanna eat cream puffs until you puke, that's probably part of what I'm doing.