[ At the very least, this gift is given so much easier than the last. Still, Billy does not yet look at them until they move. Until the magic changes clothes and he smiles a little. ]
[ ( This was a piece he had a part in, the rest he had not). Phoenix hadn't been entirely sure about the journals and neither was he, but none of it is his story to give (or is it?). Not that there isn't a copy put away. He tilts his head a little in turn before shaking it- ] You can take your time, two years really isn't that long, right?
[ But the journals are filled, one more than the other. ]
It depends. Two years for one person might feel like a lifetime, for another it's a blink of the eye.
[Loki's experienced both themselves, and they have an idea of which one Phoenix leans towards.]
I mentioned it in passing before, but I might as well own up to it completely now. You were right about me, to an extent. I'm a decent person when it comes down to it, some might even use the word good.
Shortly after I was reborn, I planned to leave the multiverse behind. Free myself from the narrative's control completely and find out what's beyond. Instead, I took a vow. To save everyone, not just myself. It's not exactly something I'm advertising in regards to being the God of Stories, especially considering it's helpful if I'm viewed as a villain from time to time. I doubt anyone would believe me either, that Loki's really and truly dedicated their existence to helping others, but... I thought you might like to know.
[ Billy doesn't need to question it either because he knows the answer. It's the same one for him, after all, because his own is three years (no, nearly four now with here). ]
[ He doesn't expect Loki to continue or to continue the way they do. Maybe he doesn't know the exact content of the letter, but he knows the feelings of it. The heart and defiance they both feel. There's a lot to unpack, so many layers. ]
[ After a moment, he smiles just a little: ]
I'm rarely wrong about people with that kind of thing.
[ It's not a dismissal, it's not quite teasing either even if the lilt of it is there. Billy has always tried to see people for who they are or could be - the empath, telepath, and whatever subconscious things he sees has made him more attune to it. Still. The light remark is not what he wants to say. ]
Thank you - for telling me. I won't tell anyone. [ The quiet note of: what's another secret. He pauses. ] Do you feel - [ regret? happier? lonelier? ] satisfied?
[ It's not quite the word he's looking for when there's too many words he wants to use, but it has to do. ]
Don't get too excited now. I did still murder my brother and erased him and all of Asgard from Midgardian history and memory.
[They just did it for good reasons instead of evil ones! Although Loki's definition of good might still be questionable...
Loki watches as the other words flash across Billy's expression, unspoken. Or maybe they're reading the words from a text box above his head. Either way,]
I do.
[Feel satisfied. They're telling a good story.
Feel regret. Thor trusted them up until the very end. The shock in his eyes as they literally stabbed him in the back...
(And selfishly still, they wonder what it would have been like if they abandoned the multiverse.)
Feel happier. They feel much more like themselves these days. And sometimes, being a villain is incredibly fun. Being a hero is fun too, so they dabble in both.
Feel lonelier. No one sees things the way they do. They told Thor from the very beginning that they would be the one to kill him, and he didn't believe them. Only the Norns know whether he'll understand their reasoning once his memories return to him.]
Weren't you the one who tried telling me that with magic comes hurt and safety?
[ He's not condoning the murder of Thor - He would never - but he is using Loki's own words against them. That, perhaps, in all things there has to be a little of both. Even if he doesn't want to accept it. ]
[ I do, Loki says, and just like their tick boxes he gets the answers to all his unanswered questions - The mix of feelings that settle in his heart as he nods. ]
Then - Can I say I'm happy for you, or would you call that a platitude?
I was, but I wasn't sure if the lesson would stick.
[They smile playfully, still teasing. However much he might deny the superhero aspect, Billy is a good person, the type who usually would have issues with Loki's philosophy. And he most likely still does, even if he can accept that it's what works for Loki.]
You can say whatever you want, I have no control over that. Same as I can say that I'm happy for you. That you are changing for the better.
It didn't. [ The response is immediate, expected. Not heated but he smiles and shrugs, ] I'm never going to accept having to hurt people.
[ Even if it feels like it's all he does - there's a difference, after all. He refuses to let himself become apathetic to it. Everyone keeps saying he has all this power, he's going to find a way to stop that from happening. He still doesn't let himself think he's meant to be a superhero - because, what kind of superhero hurts people more than they help them? ]
[ And right now, he still feels a little more like that than the reverse. It's a heaviness in his heart that Loki can probably pick up on, but it really is such an expected thing. ]
... And if I've always been like this - at least a little?
[ He frowns a little uncertain if they're messing with him as Agatha might - A "of course you will," kind of gesture and he decides pretty quickly they're not even if: ]
The point of possibility is there's no impossibilities, right?
[ He'll have to believe that. His fingers twist into fabric as he takes a breath and looks up: ]
So what if I'm just showing you this side of me because I chose to?
[ Because he's decided not to wear a mask, he means. ]
Then I appreciate that choice. So often we choose to shield ourselves from others. It's terrifying to be vulnerable.
If you get rejected in another form, you can brush it off and say that it wasn't truly you. But if you're rejected as yourself... Similarly, if you're accepted as yourself...
[They think of their past self and the future that originally awaited him. In the future, he hid himself in that older form because it matched the truth he wanted others to believe. That he was the same as he was before, that he couldn't change. Underneath it all, he was just a sad young man, desperate to be loved.]
Well. It's hard to know what to do with that feeling.
[ It's funny, because if this was a few days later, it'd leave him with a different feeling - But being rejected for who he is happens to be the biggest worry he can have. Not from strangers or people who only know him as he is now - but from his parents. ]
[ He's afraid of that answer, because William is all he's ever let himself be. He glances down and away - he can't run from it, since it's not even here, but he wonders if he would if given the chance. ]
... Yeah.
[ His answer is short and not helpful, I'm sorry. ]
[They give Billy a knowing look, like yeah, they know there's more he could say on this subject. But rather than poking at it further, they smile and say,]
Speaking of. I don't think you've seen my other forms yet. This is what I've settled on lately, but right after my reincarnation I was fond of switching in the middle-
[And Loki's form shifts, his face more chiseled with some stubble here and there. His voice is deeper when he speaks, with somewhat of a growl to it.]
- of sentences. Gets more of the edge across, yeah? Easier to see the difference between what is and what was.
[Between him and his past self, he means. His past self was very careful when it came to his appearance, he was clean cut and stereotypically heroic.]
That was before I made it back into-
[And Loki shifts again, the difference between forms especially more pronounced when they're seen back to back like this. Her makeup is heavier than what Loki leans towards on an average day now, and her hair is just slightly longer than her usual mullety wolfcut.]
- my own timeline. Lots of editorial stuff and eventually I just felt, [and they shift back into their initial form,] why not always be both? Makes it easier on the artists too! Thought you might appreciate seeing them all, though. It's a fun party trick still.
[ Of course he has more to say on it, but his feelings are too conflicted to say. After all, at the moment, part of him truly believes that by calling himself Billy he's betraying his parents. Betrayal might not be the word, but he thinks he can't go by it until he's talked to them. ]
[ Thankfully, Loki continues on and he thinks that Loki is proud enough not to mind showing him these forms. He also thinks it's something they're doing with intent. ]
[ Male past Loki is still attractive, but he's not going to say that - Because appreciating physical appearance is different. This Loki is still this Loki and he watches the shifts until they settle on something more in between. He waits until they're done to speak and while he's still not entirely sure why he does say: ]
I do appreciate seeing it, thank you. The different parts of you, I mean. [ Obviously. Maybe that's it, Loki showing him more as he'd done - in his own way. He doesn't feel quite comfortable. Especially when Loki relays it like they're a comic book character. ]
[ Do you feel accepted as you are now? No. ] Do you think you'll feel the need to change again?
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[ ( This was a piece he had a part in, the rest he had not). Phoenix hadn't been entirely sure about the journals and neither was he, but none of it is his story to give (or is it?). Not that there isn't a copy put away. He tilts his head a little in turn before shaking it- ] You can take your time, two years really isn't that long, right?
[ But the journals are filled, one more than the other. ]
[ His brows furrow. ]
What do you mean by that?
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[Loki's experienced both themselves, and they have an idea of which one Phoenix leans towards.]
I mentioned it in passing before, but I might as well own up to it completely now. You were right about me, to an extent. I'm a decent person when it comes down to it, some might even use the word good.
Shortly after I was reborn, I planned to leave the multiverse behind. Free myself from the narrative's control completely and find out what's beyond. Instead, I took a vow. To save everyone, not just myself. It's not exactly something I'm advertising in regards to being the God of Stories, especially considering it's helpful if I'm viewed as a villain from time to time. I doubt anyone would believe me either, that Loki's really and truly dedicated their existence to helping others, but... I thought you might like to know.
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[ He doesn't expect Loki to continue or to continue the way they do. Maybe he doesn't know the exact content of the letter, but he knows the feelings of it. The heart and defiance they both feel. There's a lot to unpack, so many layers. ]
[ After a moment, he smiles just a little: ]
I'm rarely wrong about people with that kind of thing.
[ It's not a dismissal, it's not quite teasing either even if the lilt of it is there. Billy has always tried to see people for who they are or could be - the empath, telepath, and whatever subconscious things he sees has made him more attune to it. Still. The light remark is not what he wants to say. ]
Thank you - for telling me. I won't tell anyone. [ The quiet note of: what's another secret. He pauses. ] Do you feel - [ regret? happier? lonelier? ] satisfied?
[ It's not quite the word he's looking for when there's too many words he wants to use, but it has to do. ]
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[They just did it for good reasons instead of evil ones! Although Loki's definition of good might still be questionable...
Loki watches as the other words flash across Billy's expression, unspoken. Or maybe they're reading the words from a text box above his head. Either way,]
I do.
[Feel satisfied. They're telling a good story.
Feel regret. Thor trusted them up until the very end. The shock in his eyes as they literally stabbed him in the back...
(And selfishly still, they wonder what it would have been like if they abandoned the multiverse.)
Feel happier. They feel much more like themselves these days. And sometimes, being a villain is incredibly fun. Being a hero is fun too, so they dabble in both.
Feel lonelier. No one sees things the way they do. They told Thor from the very beginning that they would be the one to kill him, and he didn't believe them. Only the Norns know whether he'll understand their reasoning once his memories return to him.]
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[ He's not condoning the murder of Thor - He would never - but he is using Loki's own words against them. That, perhaps, in all things there has to be a little of both. Even if he doesn't want to accept it. ]
[ I do, Loki says, and just like their tick boxes he gets the answers to all his unanswered questions - The mix of feelings that settle in his heart as he nods. ]
Then - Can I say I'm happy for you, or would you call that a platitude?
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[They smile playfully, still teasing. However much he might deny the superhero aspect, Billy is a good person, the type who usually would have issues with Loki's philosophy. And he most likely still does, even if he can accept that it's what works for Loki.]
You can say whatever you want, I have no control over that. Same as I can say that I'm happy for you. That you are changing for the better.
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[ Even if it feels like it's all he does - there's a difference, after all. He refuses to let himself become apathetic to it. Everyone keeps saying he has all this power, he's going to find a way to stop that from happening. He still doesn't let himself think he's meant to be a superhero - because, what kind of superhero hurts people more than they help them? ]
[ And right now, he still feels a little more like that than the reverse. It's a heaviness in his heart that Loki can probably pick up on, but it really is such an expected thing. ]
... And if I've always been like this - at least a little?
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[For all their talk of evil deeds and all their teasing and dramatics, there's a gentle kindness to them now. A fairy godmother vibe, almost.]
You've always been like this, at least a little. I've always been like this, at least a little.
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The point of possibility is there's no impossibilities, right?
[ He'll have to believe that. His fingers twist into fabric as he takes a breath and looks up: ]
So what if I'm just showing you this side of me because I chose to?
[ Because he's decided not to wear a mask, he means. ]
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If you get rejected in another form, you can brush it off and say that it wasn't truly you. But if you're rejected as yourself... Similarly, if you're accepted as yourself...
[They think of their past self and the future that originally awaited him. In the future, he hid himself in that older form because it matched the truth he wanted others to believe. That he was the same as he was before, that he couldn't change. Underneath it all, he was just a sad young man, desperate to be loved.]
Well. It's hard to know what to do with that feeling.
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[ He's afraid of that answer, because William is all he's ever let himself be. He glances down and away - he can't run from it, since it's not even here, but he wonders if he would if given the chance. ]
... Yeah.
[ His answer is short and not helpful, I'm sorry. ]
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Speaking of. I don't think you've seen my other forms yet. This is what I've settled on lately, but right after my reincarnation I was fond of switching in the middle-
[And Loki's form shifts, his face more chiseled with some stubble here and there. His voice is deeper when he speaks, with somewhat of a growl to it.]
- of sentences. Gets more of the edge across, yeah? Easier to see the difference between what is and what was.
[Between him and his past self, he means. His past self was very careful when it came to his appearance, he was clean cut and stereotypically heroic.]
That was before I made it back into-
[And Loki shifts again, the difference between forms especially more pronounced when they're seen back to back like this. Her makeup is heavier than what Loki leans towards on an average day now, and her hair is just slightly longer than her usual mullety wolfcut.]
- my own timeline. Lots of editorial stuff and eventually I just felt, [and they shift back into their initial form,] why not always be both? Makes it easier on the artists too! Thought you might appreciate seeing them all, though. It's a fun party trick still.
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[ Thankfully, Loki continues on and he thinks that Loki is proud enough not to mind showing him these forms. He also thinks it's something they're doing with intent. ]
[ Male past Loki is still attractive, but he's not going to say that - Because appreciating physical appearance is different. This Loki is still this Loki and he watches the shifts until they settle on something more in between. He waits until they're done to speak and while he's still not entirely sure why he does say: ]
I do appreciate seeing it, thank you. The different parts of you, I mean. [ Obviously. Maybe that's it, Loki showing him more as he'd done - in his own way. He doesn't feel quite comfortable. Especially when Loki relays it like they're a comic book character. ]
[ Do you feel accepted as you are now? No. ] Do you think you'll feel the need to change again?
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[The changes might not always be huge ones, but they're changes nonetheless. Time passes. Nothing can stay the same forever, not even the gods.]
That part's terrifying too, isn't it?
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[ A small shrug. ]
I think most things are terrifying in their own way, right? That's life.
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[Which is probably even less comforting so they add,]
I find they're easier to defeat than one would think.
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Almost like I made a whole magical road where the whole thing was taming your fears.
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[Loki is genuinely impressed, this is their favorite kind of thing.]
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Yeah, exactly like that.
Might be because I'm responsible for the death of three people.
[ okay, so he really isn't but you know, ]
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[ well mrs hart didn't but, ]
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Alice died trying to protect Agatha from her mother. Lilia sacrificed herself in the Tower to save the rest of us from the Salem Seven.
Mrs Davis died to the poison in the first trial.
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animal death cw
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