I was, but I wasn't sure if the lesson would stick.
[They smile playfully, still teasing. However much he might deny the superhero aspect, Billy is a good person, the type who usually would have issues with Loki's philosophy. And he most likely still does, even if he can accept that it's what works for Loki.]
You can say whatever you want, I have no control over that. Same as I can say that I'm happy for you. That you are changing for the better.
It didn't. [ The response is immediate, expected. Not heated but he smiles and shrugs, ] I'm never going to accept having to hurt people.
[ Even if it feels like it's all he does - there's a difference, after all. He refuses to let himself become apathetic to it. Everyone keeps saying he has all this power, he's going to find a way to stop that from happening. He still doesn't let himself think he's meant to be a superhero - because, what kind of superhero hurts people more than they help them? ]
[ And right now, he still feels a little more like that than the reverse. It's a heaviness in his heart that Loki can probably pick up on, but it really is such an expected thing. ]
... And if I've always been like this - at least a little?
[ He frowns a little uncertain if they're messing with him as Agatha might - A "of course you will," kind of gesture and he decides pretty quickly they're not even if: ]
The point of possibility is there's no impossibilities, right?
[ He'll have to believe that. His fingers twist into fabric as he takes a breath and looks up: ]
So what if I'm just showing you this side of me because I chose to?
[ Because he's decided not to wear a mask, he means. ]
Then I appreciate that choice. So often we choose to shield ourselves from others. It's terrifying to be vulnerable.
If you get rejected in another form, you can brush it off and say that it wasn't truly you. But if you're rejected as yourself... Similarly, if you're accepted as yourself...
[They think of their past self and the future that originally awaited him. In the future, he hid himself in that older form because it matched the truth he wanted others to believe. That he was the same as he was before, that he couldn't change. Underneath it all, he was just a sad young man, desperate to be loved.]
Well. It's hard to know what to do with that feeling.
[ It's funny, because if this was a few days later, it'd leave him with a different feeling - But being rejected for who he is happens to be the biggest worry he can have. Not from strangers or people who only know him as he is now - but from his parents. ]
[ He's afraid of that answer, because William is all he's ever let himself be. He glances down and away - he can't run from it, since it's not even here, but he wonders if he would if given the chance. ]
... Yeah.
[ His answer is short and not helpful, I'm sorry. ]
[They give Billy a knowing look, like yeah, they know there's more he could say on this subject. But rather than poking at it further, they smile and say,]
Speaking of. I don't think you've seen my other forms yet. This is what I've settled on lately, but right after my reincarnation I was fond of switching in the middle-
[And Loki's form shifts, his face more chiseled with some stubble here and there. His voice is deeper when he speaks, with somewhat of a growl to it.]
- of sentences. Gets more of the edge across, yeah? Easier to see the difference between what is and what was.
[Between him and his past self, he means. His past self was very careful when it came to his appearance, he was clean cut and stereotypically heroic.]
That was before I made it back into-
[And Loki shifts again, the difference between forms especially more pronounced when they're seen back to back like this. Her makeup is heavier than what Loki leans towards on an average day now, and her hair is just slightly longer than her usual mullety wolfcut.]
- my own timeline. Lots of editorial stuff and eventually I just felt, [and they shift back into their initial form,] why not always be both? Makes it easier on the artists too! Thought you might appreciate seeing them all, though. It's a fun party trick still.
[ Of course he has more to say on it, but his feelings are too conflicted to say. After all, at the moment, part of him truly believes that by calling himself Billy he's betraying his parents. Betrayal might not be the word, but he thinks he can't go by it until he's talked to them. ]
[ Thankfully, Loki continues on and he thinks that Loki is proud enough not to mind showing him these forms. He also thinks it's something they're doing with intent. ]
[ Male past Loki is still attractive, but he's not going to say that - Because appreciating physical appearance is different. This Loki is still this Loki and he watches the shifts until they settle on something more in between. He waits until they're done to speak and while he's still not entirely sure why he does say: ]
I do appreciate seeing it, thank you. The different parts of you, I mean. [ Obviously. Maybe that's it, Loki showing him more as he'd done - in his own way. He doesn't feel quite comfortable. Especially when Loki relays it like they're a comic book character. ]
[ Do you feel accepted as you are now? No. ] Do you think you'll feel the need to change again?
You made some mistakes. Everyone does when they're young. Thor made lots of those mistakes.
And it is understandable to regret those mistakes. There are things we all regret, yes? But there is a difference between the follies of youth, and the decision to take another's life.
I vaguely recall someone telling me that even if I had made that decision, the fact that I regretted it still defined me more. I wonder what that means for those where no decision was made, and the regret is there all the same.
[ Rude, Loki, you aren't supposed to use his own CRAU self's words against him. It counts for others, it doesn't count for him. He takes a breath and moves to sit at the table without looking up. ]
Mistakes aren't supposed to end in someone dying.
[ That's the important part. ]
I don't want it to happen again and it could. I didn't even know I was doing any of it at the time. If I did - [ He would have stopped. He didn't know. ] I still killed them, my mind did. I can't just ignore that.
Mistakes are mistakes. There isn't any "supposed to".
[But they know they're coming at this with the reference point of a god. They've killed plenty of people on purpose, they have no clue how many they might have killed accidentally.
But... to get through to Billy, they'll have to approach this from a more human mindset. So they frown, and let out a sigh.]
... I killed Strange's dog. [Loki does not sound proud of this fact, they don't even sound cooly indifferent or ominous, as they have when speaking of killing their family members. Genuinely, they still feel bad about this.] It was an accident, not something I planned for and not even something done by my hand. The pup had a bad heart and... he got worked up, seeing Stephen and I at it.
But fretting over it, punishing myself for it, it would do nothing. I can't undo what's been done, nor is it something that I can ever make up to Strange, no matter how many tentacle monsters I expel from his house.
So, I did what I could. I cast a spell to give the dog a spectral form. It's not a perfect fix, not by any means, but now Doctor Strange has a very adorable ghost dog who rightfully hates my guts.
You can't ignore it, no, but you don't have to let guilt override your very being. Take it from me, the expert in doing exactly that.
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[They smile playfully, still teasing. However much he might deny the superhero aspect, Billy is a good person, the type who usually would have issues with Loki's philosophy. And he most likely still does, even if he can accept that it's what works for Loki.]
You can say whatever you want, I have no control over that. Same as I can say that I'm happy for you. That you are changing for the better.
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[ Even if it feels like it's all he does - there's a difference, after all. He refuses to let himself become apathetic to it. Everyone keeps saying he has all this power, he's going to find a way to stop that from happening. He still doesn't let himself think he's meant to be a superhero - because, what kind of superhero hurts people more than they help them? ]
[ And right now, he still feels a little more like that than the reverse. It's a heaviness in his heart that Loki can probably pick up on, but it really is such an expected thing. ]
... And if I've always been like this - at least a little?
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[For all their talk of evil deeds and all their teasing and dramatics, there's a gentle kindness to them now. A fairy godmother vibe, almost.]
You've always been like this, at least a little. I've always been like this, at least a little.
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The point of possibility is there's no impossibilities, right?
[ He'll have to believe that. His fingers twist into fabric as he takes a breath and looks up: ]
So what if I'm just showing you this side of me because I chose to?
[ Because he's decided not to wear a mask, he means. ]
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If you get rejected in another form, you can brush it off and say that it wasn't truly you. But if you're rejected as yourself... Similarly, if you're accepted as yourself...
[They think of their past self and the future that originally awaited him. In the future, he hid himself in that older form because it matched the truth he wanted others to believe. That he was the same as he was before, that he couldn't change. Underneath it all, he was just a sad young man, desperate to be loved.]
Well. It's hard to know what to do with that feeling.
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[ He's afraid of that answer, because William is all he's ever let himself be. He glances down and away - he can't run from it, since it's not even here, but he wonders if he would if given the chance. ]
... Yeah.
[ His answer is short and not helpful, I'm sorry. ]
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Speaking of. I don't think you've seen my other forms yet. This is what I've settled on lately, but right after my reincarnation I was fond of switching in the middle-
[And Loki's form shifts, his face more chiseled with some stubble here and there. His voice is deeper when he speaks, with somewhat of a growl to it.]
- of sentences. Gets more of the edge across, yeah? Easier to see the difference between what is and what was.
[Between him and his past self, he means. His past self was very careful when it came to his appearance, he was clean cut and stereotypically heroic.]
That was before I made it back into-
[And Loki shifts again, the difference between forms especially more pronounced when they're seen back to back like this. Her makeup is heavier than what Loki leans towards on an average day now, and her hair is just slightly longer than her usual mullety wolfcut.]
- my own timeline. Lots of editorial stuff and eventually I just felt, [and they shift back into their initial form,] why not always be both? Makes it easier on the artists too! Thought you might appreciate seeing them all, though. It's a fun party trick still.
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[ Thankfully, Loki continues on and he thinks that Loki is proud enough not to mind showing him these forms. He also thinks it's something they're doing with intent. ]
[ Male past Loki is still attractive, but he's not going to say that - Because appreciating physical appearance is different. This Loki is still this Loki and he watches the shifts until they settle on something more in between. He waits until they're done to speak and while he's still not entirely sure why he does say: ]
I do appreciate seeing it, thank you. The different parts of you, I mean. [ Obviously. Maybe that's it, Loki showing him more as he'd done - in his own way. He doesn't feel quite comfortable. Especially when Loki relays it like they're a comic book character. ]
[ Do you feel accepted as you are now? No. ] Do you think you'll feel the need to change again?
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[The changes might not always be huge ones, but they're changes nonetheless. Time passes. Nothing can stay the same forever, not even the gods.]
That part's terrifying too, isn't it?
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[ A small shrug. ]
I think most things are terrifying in their own way, right? That's life.
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[Which is probably even less comforting so they add,]
I find they're easier to defeat than one would think.
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Almost like I made a whole magical road where the whole thing was taming your fears.
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[Loki is genuinely impressed, this is their favorite kind of thing.]
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Yeah, exactly like that.
Might be because I'm responsible for the death of three people.
[ okay, so he really isn't but you know, ]
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[ well mrs hart didn't but, ]
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Alice died trying to protect Agatha from her mother. Lilia sacrificed herself in the Tower to save the rest of us from the Salem Seven.
Mrs Davis died to the poison in the first trial.
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Billy Kaplan, you cannot claim to have killed three people and then explain all their deaths away.
It does a disservice to those of us who actually have held others' lives in our hands.
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Mrs Davis was definitely because of me and the trial. And none of them would have been in the positions they were in if it weren't for me.
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And it is understandable to regret those mistakes. There are things we all regret, yes? But there is a difference between the follies of youth, and the decision to take another's life.
I vaguely recall someone telling me that even if I had made that decision, the fact that I regretted it still defined me more. I wonder what that means for those where no decision was made, and the regret is there all the same.
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Mistakes aren't supposed to end in someone dying.
[ That's the important part. ]
I don't want it to happen again and it could. I didn't even know I was doing any of it at the time. If I did - [ He would have stopped. He didn't know. ] I still killed them, my mind did. I can't just ignore that.
animal death cw
[But they know they're coming at this with the reference point of a god. They've killed plenty of people on purpose, they have no clue how many they might have killed accidentally.
But... to get through to Billy, they'll have to approach this from a more human mindset. So they frown, and let out a sigh.]
... I killed Strange's dog. [Loki does not sound proud of this fact, they don't even sound cooly indifferent or ominous, as they have when speaking of killing their family members. Genuinely, they still feel bad about this.] It was an accident, not something I planned for and not even something done by my hand. The pup had a bad heart and... he got worked up, seeing Stephen and I at it.
But fretting over it, punishing myself for it, it would do nothing. I can't undo what's been done, nor is it something that I can ever make up to Strange, no matter how many tentacle monsters I expel from his house.
So, I did what I could. I cast a spell to give the dog a spectral form. It's not a perfect fix, not by any means, but now Doctor Strange has a very adorable ghost dog who rightfully hates my guts.
You can't ignore it, no, but you don't have to let guilt override your very being. Take it from me, the expert in doing exactly that.
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