[ He doesn't know what he expects, but it's not that form of appearance anyway. He blinks and shifts back a little on the blanket reflexively - as if more room is needed and huffs a laugh: ]
Let's go with it's because you're a god, then.
[ And not because he stress cooks or likes to cook or anything - though both have been less in the past few weeks. Maybe it's simply the Disorderly beliefs instilled in him. He doesn't move to eat anything - yet - and tilts his head at Loki's question. ]
[they say fondly, a different sort of response than their usual retort. That it's not wise to lie to them. It's really not, but they'll look the other way for now.
It's with another mouthful of bread that they receive Phoenix's compliment. Yep, this is a beautiful gremlin. They swallow their food before speaking this time, and roll their eyes,]
How terribly cheesy. My whole narrative is about accepting oneself, though, so I can't deny that you've got the right feel of it.
You'd rather it be the lie, though, right? And I did make most of it for you, so still not a lie.
[ Just half a lie. A teeny, tiny white lie that doesn't hurt anyone. Everyone copes in their own ways and the part of making it for him - or anybody - is true. Phoenix has taken to enjoying cooking if it makes others happy.]
[ He huffs a laugh at the eye roll and shrugs a shoulder. Shifts to lean his weight against propped hands before answering: ]
So is mine. Also, I'm very good at terrible cheese, thanks for noticing.
Aye, and so then we shy away from them. Reject them. But there's nothing wrong with telling a child a bedtime story. I exist because a human once told a lie. They told stories to explain the things they couldn't understand, and from that lie, the Ten Realms were born.
And the universe, any universe, would not exist as it is without chaos.
[they smile as they take a soda break and then continue,]
[ In a weird way coming from the literal freedom and chaos Family helps quite a bit (who'd have thought!). He nods his head. ]
And possibility comes in all ways, right?
Finding a different end or meaning to a story, for example. Like, order is good, too, but too much of it is a bad thing. Things grow stagnant and can't evolve if things are always perfectly right.
Precisely. Which is why I won't tell you that your powers will never hurt others. Or that I know some secret as to how to use magic for only good. There are consequences to everything. There's always a price.
[They think of the Bifrost, which they had rebuilt at Thor's request. At the end of the story, it had to be destroyed, severing the tie between Asgard and Midgard.
It was a good story. And from that destruction will come a new tale.]
But if you can understand and accept this, you will have much greater control over your magic.
[ He's quiet as he listens and then quiet an even longer moment after. His fingers twisting into fabric as he exhales: ]
A price. Balance. For making things possible.
[ He shifts to pull out a hand to rub the back of his neck. ]
I've already hurt people - people I cared about. When I didn't know what I could do at all. They're dead because of me. [ A deep frown, worried and guilty- ] I've known it could happen again. Or I assumed it could, because it's not like I knew I was doing it in the first place?
[ quieting, tries again, ]
I know it's a part of me, but the idea of hurting someone I love because of it some day is terrifying.
If it's possible to hurt them, then it's possible to save them as well. Balance.
[There's nothing comforting in their voice, merely stating a fact.]
I was scared a lot as a child, scared of the role they would force me into. So I eventually embraced that role because I didn't know what else I could do. And then I was a scared old man.
[They laugh, somehow playful and bitter at the same time.]
I've killed those dear to me over and over again. And I'll continue to do so, if it suits the story. One would think I've become what I feared. Do you know what's changed?
[ Of course, it's not comforting. It's not even remotely consoling. A truth he's told himself would come even if he desperately wants to say it won't - that there will never be a life where he can just accept the consequences. ]
[ Isn't it better that he simply avoid others, to not get close, as the other William had done? No, he doesn't want that either. ]
[ His fingers twist further into fabric of clothes as he shakes his head: ]
I stopped caring. About who or what I should be. I left behind my anger and fear. Easier said than done, though, yeah?
[They smile, the kind of smile they wish they could grant their past self.]
I was going to leave it all behind. Get out of the multiverse. I stayed to keep guiding the story. So that others might realize freedom as I have. Makes me sound real heroic, but I also just got back from murdering my brother.
Balance, right? I get to give my loved ones the story they deserve.
Ag[ ain: Not a good answer. No, it's an answer that works for Loki he knows - this Loki, specifically - but not him. He shifts a little to sit up more straight as he glances away. ]
I can't do that - I don't want to do that. Just stop caring, even if I could I don't -
[ He shakes his head. ]
But doesn't that, it makes you sound like you're trapped somewhere in-between?
Yes, same as I'm "trapped" somewhere in-between male and female.
[They do the finger quotes, but it's clear they're just teasing him. They like the in-between, is their point.]
But I know. You're the hero type, whether you want to admit it or not. I only wanted to present an alternative, another way of looking at things. Different perspectives can help you to develop your own.
[ His response is immediate and genuine, face coloring a little in regretful embarrassment. He doesn't look up. Loki is Loki and the in-between is their place. ]
[ He scrubs at an eye with a laugh. ]
People keep telling me that, but I'm not sure how. I've never been able to help someone when they really needed it. I just make it worse somehow and hurt them. [ He pulls the hand away and smiles a little more warily, because Loki probably doesn't care to hear that either, right? This Loki is sure of themselves. Phoenix tries and he is, but when it comes to this - no. Not yet. ] I appreciate it - you. I do think it helps.
[There's a little flicker of the Loki they once were, seems this is one of those things that carries over no matter the incarnation.]
Heroes always feel that way. The thing that makes them different from someone like me is that they keep trying. They genuinely and truly want to help others. Not even to get a pat on the back or anything. They can't imagine doing anything else. Which limits them too.
[ He wants to argue, but he's reminded of what Goose told him. How he was born to protect, this his instinct was to help. He bites down on something instead, takes a breath. He wishes he could care a little less sometimes, but it feels like he was hardwired, to - that all he does is feel for others and not himself. ]
[ ( He doesn't say that ). He especially doesn't say that at Loki's added statement brows furrowing as he asks: ]
[ Because he feels in his heart he will and really - for a kid who already struggles with am I real or not real? It's a truth he knows and holds, but it's a hard one. What does happen when that happens to him? ]
You'd fit right in with the Disorder, then. If you ever wanted to jump multiverses.
[ excuse you loki, you're not supposed to make him cry in like two threads back-to-back it's rude!! ]
[ a beat. ]
I don't know.
[ A longer moment as he breathes out and thinks about it: ]
If I knew for a fact that when I disappeared I would go back to where I think I should be, then yes. If I thought that who I was now would cease to exist entirely - [ a small shrug, brows furrowing ] it'd be harder.
But the other me deserves to exist, too, and he was here for a reason. It'd be unfair for me to take his place, if I was only ever meant to be temporary.
[ he thinks he'd choose this version of him than the other and that feels wrong, cruel ]
[ He counters, but there's no real energy to it. He wants to exist. They both want to exist. Isn't that how they survived in the first place?
Does he want to stay here? (No, not if it meant leaving Estoria) (Yes, if it was the only way to exist). He'd fought so hard to be this person and he likes this person- ]
[ He presses his eyes closed. Tries lightly, instead, to keep from the hammering of his own thoughts: ]
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no subject
Let's go with it's because you're a god, then.
[ And not because he stress cooks or likes to cook or anything - though both have been less in the past few weeks. Maybe it's simply the Disorderly beliefs instilled in him. He doesn't move to eat anything - yet - and tilts his head at Loki's question. ]
[ Thinks for a moment and then offers, ]
You're you and that's beautiful.
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[they say fondly, a different sort of response than their usual retort. That it's not wise to lie to them. It's really not, but they'll look the other way for now.
It's with another mouthful of bread that they receive Phoenix's compliment. Yep, this is a beautiful gremlin. They swallow their food before speaking this time, and roll their eyes,]
How terribly cheesy. My whole narrative is about accepting oneself, though, so I can't deny that you've got the right feel of it.
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[ Just half a lie. A teeny, tiny white lie that doesn't hurt anyone. Everyone copes in their own ways and the part of making it for him - or anybody - is true. Phoenix has taken to enjoying cooking if it makes others happy.]
[ He huffs a laugh at the eye roll and shrugs a shoulder. Shifts to lean his weight against propped hands before answering: ]
So is mine. Also, I'm very good at terrible cheese, thanks for noticing.
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[The outcome being delicious food that they can shove in their face.]
A lie is just a story in the end. But there's a connotation to it, an assumption of morals. Same with chaos.
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Because both things are things that people assume are inherently negative and hurtful?
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And the universe, any universe, would not exist as it is without chaos.
[they smile as they take a soda break and then continue,]
Possibility, remember?
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And possibility comes in all ways, right?
Finding a different end or meaning to a story, for example. Like, order is good, too, but too much of it is a bad thing. Things grow stagnant and can't evolve if things are always perfectly right.
no subject
[They think of the Bifrost, which they had rebuilt at Thor's request. At the end of the story, it had to be destroyed, severing the tie between Asgard and Midgard.
It was a good story. And from that destruction will come a new tale.]
But if you can understand and accept this, you will have much greater control over your magic.
no subject
A price. Balance. For making things possible.
[ He shifts to pull out a hand to rub the back of his neck. ]
I've already hurt people - people I cared about. When I didn't know what I could do at all. They're dead because of me. [ A deep frown, worried and guilty- ] I've known it could happen again. Or I assumed it could, because it's not like I knew I was doing it in the first place?
[ quieting, tries again, ]
I know it's a part of me, but the idea of hurting someone I love because of it some day is terrifying.
no subject
[There's nothing comforting in their voice, merely stating a fact.]
I was scared a lot as a child, scared of the role they would force me into. So I eventually embraced that role because I didn't know what else I could do. And then I was a scared old man.
[They laugh, somehow playful and bitter at the same time.]
I've killed those dear to me over and over again. And I'll continue to do so, if it suits the story. One would think I've become what I feared. Do you know what's changed?
no subject
[ Isn't it better that he simply avoid others, to not get close, as the other William had done? No, he doesn't want that either. ]
[ His fingers twist further into fabric of clothes as he shakes his head: ]
I wouldn't want to presume.
no subject
I stopped caring. About who or what I should be. I left behind my anger and fear. Easier said than done, though, yeah?
[They smile, the kind of smile they wish they could grant their past self.]
I was going to leave it all behind. Get out of the multiverse. I stayed to keep guiding the story. So that others might realize freedom as I have. Makes me sound real heroic, but I also just got back from murdering my brother.
Balance, right? I get to give my loved ones the story they deserve.
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I can't do that - I don't want to do that. Just stop caring, even if I could I don't -
[ He shakes his head. ]
But doesn't that, it makes you sound like you're trapped somewhere in-between?
no subject
[They do the finger quotes, but it's clear they're just teasing him. They like the in-between, is their point.]
But I know. You're the hero type, whether you want to admit it or not. I only wanted to present an alternative, another way of looking at things. Different perspectives can help you to develop your own.
no subject
[ His response is immediate and genuine, face coloring a little in regretful embarrassment. He doesn't look up. Loki is Loki and the in-between is their place. ]
[ He scrubs at an eye with a laugh. ]
People keep telling me that, but I'm not sure how. I've never been able to help someone when they really needed it. I just make it worse somehow and hurt them. [ He pulls the hand away and smiles a little more warily, because Loki probably doesn't care to hear that either, right? This Loki is sure of themselves. Phoenix tries and he is, but when it comes to this - no. Not yet. ] I appreciate it - you. I do think it helps.
no subject
[There's a little flicker of the Loki they once were, seems this is one of those things that carries over no matter the incarnation.]
Heroes always feel that way. The thing that makes them different from someone like me is that they keep trying. They genuinely and truly want to help others. Not even to get a pat on the back or anything. They can't imagine doing anything else. Which limits them too.
Regardless, you helped me.
no subject
[ Dryly with a roll of his eyes. ]
[ He wants to argue, but he's reminded of what Goose told him. How he was born to protect, this his instinct was to help. He bites down on something instead, takes a breath. He wishes he could care a little less sometimes, but it feels like he was hardwired, to - that all he does is feel for others and not himself. ]
[ ( He doesn't say that ). He especially doesn't say that at Loki's added statement brows furrowing as he asks: ]
How do you figure that?
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[they say with a shrug like it's obvious.]
He doesn't- didn't? [What is the right tense here] have an especially great support network. I'm glad he had one here.
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[ He takes a sharp breath. ]
... Then, I'm glad to have been one for him for a little while. And I hope, if you ever need it - you know.
no subject
[This is their attempt at being nice.]
I picked up another title, you know. The God of Outcasts.
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[ Because he feels in his heart he will and really - for a kid who already struggles with am I real or not real? It's a truth he knows and holds, but it's a hard one. What does happen when that happens to him? ]
[ He looks up, small smile: ]
What are you trying to say about me?
no subject
[Even though it's obvious what they were trying to say.]
If you had a choice in the matter, to stay or not... would you still choose to disappear?
no subject
[ excuse you loki, you're not supposed to make him cry in like two threads back-to-back it's rude!! ]
[ a beat. ]
I don't know.
[ A longer moment as he breathes out and thinks about it: ]
If I knew for a fact that when I disappeared I would go back to where I think I should be, then yes. If I thought that who I was now would cease to exist entirely - [ a small shrug, brows furrowing ] it'd be harder.
But the other me deserves to exist, too, and he was here for a reason. It'd be unfair for me to take his place, if I was only ever meant to be temporary.
[ he thinks he'd choose this version of him than the other and that feels wrong, cruel ]
no subject
[Just saying. Even gods die eventually.]
It's possible with my magic that I could keep you here. And it's possible that I couldn't. But I think you ought to have a choice in the matter.
no subject
[ He counters, but there's no real energy to it. He wants to exist. They both want to exist. Isn't that how they survived in the first place?
Does he want to stay here? (No, not if it meant leaving Estoria) (Yes, if it was the only way to exist). He'd fought so hard to be this person and he likes this person- ]
[ He presses his eyes closed. Tries lightly, instead, to keep from the hammering of his own thoughts: ]
Is that your way of saying you prefer me?
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cw: magic animal death
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