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[restitui]

XIV

TEMPERANCE

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[restitui]

Sorry, that's not how I meant it.

[ His response is immediate and genuine, face coloring a little in regretful embarrassment. He doesn't look up. Loki is Loki and the in-between is their place. ]

[ He scrubs at an eye with a laugh. ]

People keep telling me that, but I'm not sure how. I've never been able to help someone when they really needed it. I just make it worse somehow and hurt them. [ He pulls the hand away and smiles a little more warily, because Loki probably doesn't care to hear that either, right? This Loki is sure of themselves. Phoenix tries and he is, but when it comes to this - no. Not yet. ] I appreciate it - you. I do think it helps.

[meforsaken]

I know. But you're easy to tease.

[There's a little flicker of the Loki they once were, seems this is one of those things that carries over no matter the incarnation.]

Heroes always feel that way. The thing that makes them different from someone like me is that they keep trying. They genuinely and truly want to help others. Not even to get a pat on the back or anything. They can't imagine doing anything else. Which limits them too.

Regardless, you helped me.

[restitui]

Thanks.

[ Dryly with a roll of his eyes. ]

[ He wants to argue, but he's reminded of what Goose told him. How he was born to protect, this his instinct was to help. He bites down on something instead, takes a breath. He wishes he could care a little less sometimes, but it feels like he was hardwired, to - that all he does is feel for others and not himself. ]

[ ( He doesn't say that ). He especially doesn't say that at Loki's added statement brows furrowing as he asks: ]

How do you figure that?

[meforsaken]

My younger self.

[they say with a shrug like it's obvious.]

He doesn't- didn't? [What is the right tense here] have an especially great support network. I'm glad he had one here.

[restitui]

Oh.

[ He takes a sharp breath. ]

... Then, I'm glad to have been one for him for a little while. And I hope, if you ever need it - you know.

[meforsaken]

I believe I'm the one who should be offering that sentiment.

[This is their attempt at being nice.]

I picked up another title, you know. The God of Outcasts.

[restitui]

Not to me, but maybe to him when I disappear.

[ Because he feels in his heart he will and really - for a kid who already struggles with am I real or not real? It's a truth he knows and holds, but it's a hard one. What does happen when that happens to him? ]

[ He looks up, small smile: ]


What are you trying to say about me?

[meforsaken]

You're the one who assumed I was speaking of you. Perhaps I just wanted to share one of my achievements!

[Even though it's obvious what they were trying to say.]

If you had a choice in the matter, to stay or not... would you still choose to disappear?

[restitui]

You'd fit right in with the Disorder, then. If you ever wanted to jump multiverses.


[ excuse you loki, you're not supposed to make him cry in like two threads back-to-back it's rude!! ]


[ a beat. ]

I don't know.


[ A longer moment as he breathes out and thinks about it: ]

If I knew for a fact that when I disappeared I would go back to where I think I should be, then yes. If I thought that who I was now would cease to exist entirely - [ a small shrug, brows furrowing ] it'd be harder.

But the other me deserves to exist, too, and he was here for a reason. It'd be unfair for me to take his place, if I was only ever meant to be temporary.


[ he thinks he'd choose this version of him than the other and that feels wrong, cruel ]

[meforsaken]

Everything in life is temporary. Including him.

[Just saying. Even gods die eventually.]

It's possible with my magic that I could keep you here. And it's possible that I couldn't. But I think you ought to have a choice in the matter.

[restitui]

Including me.

[ He counters, but there's no real energy to it. He wants to exist. They both want to exist. Isn't that how they survived in the first place?

Does he want to stay here? (No, not if it meant leaving Estoria) (Yes, if it was the only way to exist). He'd fought so hard to be this person and he likes this person- ]


[ He presses his eyes closed. Tries lightly, instead, to keep from the hammering of his own thoughts: ]

Is that your way of saying you prefer me?

[meforsaken]

Oh no, nothing like that.

[And realizing that sounds rather rude, they add,]

I have a certain fondness for you, as is to be expected. But I'm also a narrator. I try not to let personal feelings come in the way of my work.

Except for when I do, of course. Remember I told you about that alternate version of me, the one who'd go on to be all evil and rule over Midgard? [Their scepter materializes in their hands and they point to the blue stone set in it.] He's in there. His timeline no longer exists. He could've poofed out of existence. But we worked things out between the two of us.

[restitui]

[ He's not offended, at least, and he mostly listens - considering. Frowning a little before: ]

... I'm not sure how existing only inside a scepter is better than not at all? No offense.

[meforsaken]

It's a metaphor.

[Like yes, he literally is in there, but also it's not like they could pull him out right now.]

I accepted him as part of me, as what I could be. I remember the way he felt, the things he wanted.

We don't know how much Billiam will remember if he does eventually return to this body. If you require assistance preserving your consciousness, I'm offering it.

[restitui]

[ He looks at them like! You pointed at the scepter like he was just in there, how was he supposed to take it? He frowns a little more, glancing away. ]

... and it wouldn't hurt him? Like, he wouldn't just disappear or be overwhelmed or something?

[meforsaken]

I mean, it shouldn't? [The most reassuring answer.] It's possible that your magic will handle the situation without any interference on my end. But I doubt it will do that if you resign yourself to the fate of disappearing.

[restitui]

Reassuring.

[ He laughs in spite of himself and looks up. ] I don't want to disappear.

[ They both knew this. ] ... I don't think he'd want me to, either.

[ This is something they could both also likely get, because existence has been such a theme for them here. ]

[meforsaken]

Then you won't. You're manifesting. Setting your intentions.

[An important thing to do when your magic has the power to shape reality.]

If both of you accept the other, then your magic should do the rest, as mine did. If it doesn't, I'll give the story a helpful push.

[restitui]

I hope that's the case and it's not some trick the Fae want to play on us.

[ Is it weird, he does not think Loki would play a trick on him? Probably! (Not that he thinks they is, but still) ] Thank you, for offering and letting the possibility exist.

[meforsaken]

The fun thing about our magic is that we can play our own tricks in return.

[There's no response to the thanks, instead,]

All my ominous grandstanding about morals and choices aside, the two of you could stand to have fun every once in a while. Enjoy some harmless magic and it'll help remind you that it's not all doom and gloom.

[restitui]

Have you? Actually managed to play tricks on them, I mean.

[ Curiosity, more than anything. The addition earns some mild amusement, more light-hearted: ]

How do you think I got all this down here without a little magick? I use it for clothes mostly, I guess, though.

[meforsaken]

I sent Narciso an exploding magpie.

[And thoroughly called him out as a lonely coward. But the magpie part's more exciting.]

This is practical. As is magic regarding one's wardrobe. There's no mischief to this.

[restitui]

How did that go?

[ More interested in that then anything, but notably - ]

I don't know about him, but I only just began regaining my magic and learning about it. I'm not sure what more mischief I can get into other than hiding the alcohol from Goose.

cw: magic animal death

[meforsaken]

A magpie exploded in his face. Presumably he was then covered in magpie blood.

[He didn't respond to Loki's letter, but the imagery is enough to amuse them.]

You're such an amateur, Phoenix. The amount of mischief I've gotten myself into even when I've had zero magical prowess... Gods, you wouldn't believe it. Magic only sweetens the deal, though.

Re: cw: magic animal death

[restitui]

Gross.

[ please no exploding Maggie's. He rolls his eyes, impudent more than not. ]

My idea of mischief has always been do the exact thing people don't expect of me. Members of the Disorder are usually believed to be troublemakers and bad news.