[ If it was a greater distance between them, Billy would have responded to the text. Instead the little 'Read' checkmark comes up and he's back to cooking. He finishes plating a couple of pancakes by the time he hears the sound of movement behind him. ]
[ He smiles somewhat sheepishly at seeing Coriolanus, keeping his gaze on his face. ]
Hey.
[ A softer sound, more normal perhaps but quiet all the same. Understanding as he grabs another plate and moves to place one in front of the chair Coriolanus is holding. He takes the seat across from him and pulls over what to say- you wanted to talk? Interesting night? Both discarded quickly. He says instead, as easily as morning greeting (not so easily now when he thought sbout it compared to recent days, so he doesnt). ]
You should eat first and then whenever you're ready?
[He can feel the heaviness like a thick blanket, but he also knows it's mostly on his part, so he has to just find the words. He's not trying to be manipulative or to think he can have them both. Neither would be the type to let that happen, he's sure. Plus the idea doesn't really have much merit with himself either. Besides maybe Billy should learn more of his home.
Eyes dart to the pancakes, and he can hardly turn them down, but he won't put their priority first. Not here when he does get to eat regularly.]
It's alright. I think I need to get this out first.
[Hands tense on the chair, wringing for a moment, but not letting his knuckles turn colors, before he's letting go.]
Someone from my home arrived. The girl I had mentioned. [It sounds more ominous than he means, but then he does have the tendency to hold a stiff posture.]
I told her about us though. I hope you don't mind.
[Though they've been an official item since Billy had asked, neither had been all too public about it. Not that he necessarily minded, but Coryo was also hardly a PDA kind of person either (so long as fae magic isn't involved). They are still finding their footing in different ways for how this works for them.]
[There's a soft, greedy moment of relief that Coriolanus's first wish isn't to eat the food. A time not so long ago, he wouldn't be able to turn it down, Billy thinks with a nod. He's making this worse somehow, isn't it?
He nods, though, and doesn't move further for his own food despite sitting. His attention turns to the hands on the chair, uncertain, as he nods. Yes, he met Lucy Gray. That much should be obvious, too, because why would they both be giving each other space? He half expects the weight to come and then,
He blinks, caught off guard, as his attention falls on the older teenager. ]
Why would I mind?
[He's happy staying private, that's never bothered him, they have enough stolen moments and it's not like he needs people to know but - Still. The implication is there, without question, that despite her being here he still wants to keep this - them - still going. Billy feels as relieved as he does guilty. ]
Are you okay ? I know seeing her again must have been a lot.
[He's never had a problem with not showing how much he actually is hungry. It comes from eating so little and not wanting others to know exactly how poor they were, used to having to sneak or scurry something away for later. But he does know he doesn't have to do that now. Right now he can wait a moment to get through this, then sit down to eat. His priorities are on this.
He also knew that Lucy and Billy had met from the conversation with her, but he also just needed to try and sort out what exactly he was feeling, but Coriolanus Snow has never not thought about his own interests first and what aligns better. It is only a more recent development that others need consideration-- especially in the context of what they are.]
It was... a little confusing at first. [That want to protect her, that possessive nature that doesn't fully leave him.] I wasn't expecting to ever see her again. I still... want her to be safe here.
[He did sacrifice everything for her back home after all. The potential catalyst if ever there was one in his life.]
I just needed to evaluate what I really wanted in Faerie. And what that means to me. [He nods his head toward Billy, an unabashed little smile forming as he speaks. He'd be lying if he didn't at least think about what being with Lucy Gray would be like. His world and hope hinged on it back home, but home was so limiting, and Billy offered a much brighter future, something he wanted to continue exploring.]
[ There's another small, quick nod at the idea of it being confusing. It's funny how Faerie worked, how he's gone so long without seeing anyone he truly knew and others could arrive near immediately. There's no reason to get people's hopes up, because people appear and disappear as quickly as they came. ]
[ He doesn't feel jealousy, not really, at the idea Coriolanus might still feel certain ways about her. How can he? If it meant their happiness, he knew he'd back up in a moment. Even if he didn't want to. He discards it, now, for the moment. ]
Of course. I wouldn't expect you to not want to protect her or suddenly feel differently. If Eddie ever showed up it would be weird for me, too, even if I wouldn't want this to change.
[They don't actually talk about the fact that Billy technically had a boyfriend - at least in the sense that there's no way to break up with him having not seen him for a year. It's not like his own feelings had just disappeared, but it's complicated. In a different way. ]
[ From the little they've spoken about her, Billy also knows Lucy Gray is complicated but his heart hammers its betrayal at his own willingness to self-sacrifice at that response. When the other boy nods at him as if to say you and the smile, a true one, melts at something in Billy's heart.
The only thing he wants is to give him - them - a brighter anything in whatever way he can. His gaze drops a little, though the curves of his own grateful smile knit themselves. ]
And what does it mean to you, exactly? What do you want to do - I'll help with whatever it is, you know I will, helping her too. [He knows he has an idea now, but he will always choose to let the other boy speak if that's what he wants. ]
[It's hard for him to hear the name of someone else, remnants of how he felt about Billy Taupe flaring up. It's hard to not have that instinct, but he is all too aware of how hypocritical that is given everything that is going on in his life with Lucy Gray. It's that flare of possession again, like something that is his will be taken away, but he lets out a very slow breath out of his nose with a nod.
Because he knows exactly how complicated all of this is. Never would he think that he would be in this kind of position when he tried so hard to keep himself at arms length to everyone he knew. But they are far beyond that now.
Coryo lets out another slow breath, brows rising at that question now that he considers it.]
I'm not sure. Lucy Gray is an independent type of person herself, but she knows what it's like to show up some place with nothing. I'm sure she'll find a guitar some place if she hasn't already. I know she'll get what she needs. I just don't want her to struggle either. [A moment to look down.]
She deserves better than that. [She was a Victor. She never should have been in the Games, it seems. But then maybe no one deserved to be there either. Even after what the rebels did to the Capitol during the war. It's a weird thought to momentarily reflect on, but his eyes flicker back up to Billy. He doesn't exactly have a plan, but she knows to come to him if she needs anything.]
[He probably shouldn't feel some - it's not relief? delight, maybe, at that feeling that comes across. He does anyway and he tucks it away because, as in all things, it's unimportant in the moment. Billy's long accepted that Eddie would never show up. ]
[ In the moment, it's a nod: ]
I already offered if she couldn't find someone, but they'll trade easily enough for a song. [And if she wants a guitar, she has plenty of those. ] We'll make sure she doesn't struggle.
[An offer, quiet, as if to say that he doesn't have to do anything alone. A beat. ] It's going to sound the same, but it's different - What do you need? From me? I'm more worried about you than her.
[Which is frank and honest and he thinks Coriloanus will still choose himself over her but still: ] I know this is a lot.
[He understands what Billy is doing. Of course he would care about Coriolanus and where his head currently is, but truth is, seeing Lucy Gray is all the reminders of Panem that he thought he could try and separate himself from. Even if he didn't know what that looked like. Who was Coriolanus Snow without the Capitol? He didn't even know the answer to that.
So now, he feels himself retreat back to who he has been, that same stiff resolve at the question. He knows that Billy won't take nothing for an answer though. He was always trying to do something for him.]
Those pancakes for a start? [He gestures toward the plate with his chin. Is it a cop-out? Absolutely.]
[It is absolutely a cop-out. Billy knows it, he doesn't need to be an empath to know it. The reality is, it's funny how similar they are in certain ways. How quickly who they think they need to be are the ones that surface. Billy's attention remains on Coryo's for a few moments before he breathes out. ]
They're yours. [He feigns for amusement, pushes them a little closer to him, and then adds - ] Can I say something, or would you prefer I didn't?
[He's not entirely surprised it doesn't fully work. Part of him does wonder if it is the empath part of him or if it's just because Billy is quickly becoming the person that knows him best-- where he has started becoming open with. Of course that's something he's chosen, a consequence of being so intimate with someone in every conceivable way. He chose that, and he'd do it again, but it does make him look from the plate of pancakes back to the other.]
No, go ahead.
[Honestly Billy's honesty is something refreshing. He isn't someone that just placates. He's not entirely sure if he really wants to hear it, but Billy deserves to have an open space to voice his opinion in this. Coriolanus is trying to understand something from someone else's perspective, and he knows he probably would not be taking this so well if the shoe was on the other foot.]
[Guilt rears its ugly head again at knowing he knows too much, that he always will. That as much as he tries to ask and not make obvious, there's a part of Coriolanus know that is his as much as there's a part of him that's Coriolanus. Neither are insignificant, and Billy's always going to honor what was given to him but for a moment - There's hesitation as he nods. A quiet moment of sorting through thoughts because he wants to avoid saying something he has before. ]
... Just because she's here doesn't mean you have to be who she expects. [Is that it? Almost, not quite, he has to readjust. ] When I first got here, there were people from... different realities, who knew different mes, who told me who I was to them and who I would become. They got annoyed or confused when I didn't want to hear it, because I'm not that person.
You're not that person, either. [He shakes his head, more at himself, because he's not saying it right. ] Of course, you want to help her and to see that she's safe - I don't think you'll put her before yourself not, like, physically.
But if who you want to be is someone that Panem wouldn't let you be, then thinking you have to do that for her is bad for you. I could tell you who I think Coriolanus Snow is now, and I have a lot of things to say, but that's not going to help you either — Who is Coriolanus Snow without Panem? The better question is who is Coriolanus Snow?
[Coriolanus is grabbing an extra plate now to plate one of the pancakes, mostly as a distraction, because he isn't sure how to peel back these parts of himself. Or if he even should. He doesn't pretend to be a good person, and a lot of it has been so tightly wound due to survival and his station or assumed station. But he's got one of the fluffy breakfast items on his plate as Billy starts to talk, so he looks back over at him.
It's not that he's trying to be who Lucy Gray would want. It's that she herself is the reminder. He's Capitol. She's District. It would foolish to think they would ever work anyway. Even if she did make it back to 12 mostly unscathed. He'd gone looking for her there, but was there are world where they could work? He didn't want to push that question too far, because at the end of the day he was always going to be Capitol.]
It was easier to pretend Panem was so far away if she wasn't here. [Not that there weren't parts of himself that he had shown of himself. He did care for her even if her survival was intrinsically linked to his in other ways. But he does understand that circumstances shape who everyone is. So by fact even just being in Faerie has made them different.
But then Billy voices the question that's been rattling in his mind for several weeks, learning and exploring this place, broadening his horizons here. He blinks at it, to hear it through someone else's voice. Lips press together. He's not mad, but just realizing how much of a heavy question it is.
He doesn't doubt who he is. He knows his strengths very well, but he's also well aware of how those strengths came about. And because he could be someone different here, shaping strengths from other things like magic that Billy was teaching him for instances, maybe there was a chance. He didn't verbally know how to answer it though, but there's a flash of hope for a moment.]
[ It's partly a miscomment, he knows, that he's trying to be what Lucy Gray wants. Selfishly, he decides, if he wanted to do that then he would have chosen him. He hasn't, though, despite his vulnerabilities with Billy. ]
And now it feels closer than ever?
[A question. A statement. He doesn't go for his own pancakes. There's no anxiety when he turns his attention to him. There's a hundred kinds of anxiety when he turns his attention to him. ]
The first person who called my Billy Kaplan was here and I hated it because they did that telling me they knew who I was, that no matter what I tried my story was always written. [That's not helpful. Probably, ] It took a while for me to realize they were the first person letting me be who I could be. Not one or the other. They accepted parts of me that I wasn't ready to accept myself.
[Hm. Is this still right? No. ]
If you need an island that's not Panem, then I can do that. [A little lightly: ] I think we can both agree I'm probably the only person to see all the parts of you and not turn away. Maybe there is bad, but there's good too and Panem hasn't taken all of it from you.
[He gives a nod at the proposed question. The reminder of Panem, the fear, the hunger, the manipulation, the man he was supposed to be and somehow failed at despite saving Lucy Gray. It was a complex amalgam that he still held loyal to. It's all he's known up until now, because he remembers before the war, the war, and the Capitol that was trying to build itself back, stronger now.
He even understood the complexities that Gaul was trying to show him. The contract of their society, the very way 'us' vs 'them' must play out for their survival. He hates that. Feels his stomach curl when he thinks of the essay he wrote, but it's hard to pull himself away from that loyalty.
So he listens. He doesn't blink, just stands there, and takes in the words that Billy says. That there's a version that was created with the parts maybe Billy wanted to keep, as Billy and William, to make the man he was becoming in Faerie.]
I think the difference between you and I is that I don't question the bad, [He admits quietly. It's not that he's actively trying to hurt people, not the way Gaul and the Gamemakers do, the way they constructed the Games to begin with. He's seen the suffering, up close. But he's got blood on his hands, and he isn't exactly sad about it either.]
I know it was for survival. I know that might change things for some people. But it just feels like I am meant for more. I don't even think it's possible now, not after everything that happened. What they showed me. What they did to me. To those kids. [The image of Reaper laying out the bodies of the slain children with Panem's flag under a crushed and bomb exploded Capitol arena fills his memory.]
And yet, it's still hard to not think of myself as Capitol, just stuck in District 12 for the next twenty years. [The thoughts that had been going over in his mind as he did end up in the District, even with Sejanus. Maybe more so because of Sejanus.]
[The agreement is quiet - not unaware. Billy's actions were also for survival, he knew that, but he didn't accept them. Whereas Coriolanus could justify his own, Billy felt the regret and desire to avoid doing it again.
That is where they differ, more than anything, that and one other thing. Coriolanus wanted greatness, it was engrained in who he was how he was raised. Capitol through and through, but he lacked real power. Meanwhile, Billy had more power than he knew what to do with. Power he didn't always want.
I don't think it matters what I want. Back home. My Dean made it clear that he was thrilled to kick me out. The Head Gamemaker was probably disappointed in me that I chose a District girl ahead of the Capitol. They would all know by now what happened. I don't even know what's going to happen to my family now.
[He knows Tigris wouldn't tell him the whole truth to spare him. He sighs out slowly. It's something else the Capitol did, punished them for what he did. But that's the power they had. To hurt the ones they loved, to keep compliance.]
I want my future here.
[It isn't to say that he doesn't want something here, notoriety or something similar. He still wants the respectability that he'd become accustomed to. He was the Golden Child even before the Hunger Games, and he rose in popularity the more Lucy Gray played. The longer the Games went on, and she survived, the more of a force they had become. Being here almost felt like that loss he had when he arrived in 12. He didn't choose that though.
But then the Capitol was no real option here either. Supposedly it was all gone, right? But he also doesn't want to suffer. He doesn't want to go back to exile. He doesn't want to go back to how dingy 12 is. He doesn't want that power dynamic when he has finally escaped it. It feels like there's more potential here, more freedom.]
[Billy opens his mouth to say something but closes it just as quickly. He wants to point out that what he wants always matters, even if he can't get it, even if it's seemingly unattainable. A weight is there, all the same, and he withholds from saying there's a chance they may appear here -
Coriolanus had been lucky enough so far.
That's not the answer he's looking for, though, and not for the first time Billy is reminded of the first night they met. Yes, it had been intimate, but above it all he'd felt a trapped boy who didn't know what freedom was. Had never truly experienced it before and had, slowly, melted into open freedom against him. It feels like the closest he's come to admitting what he truly wants, needs. ]
[It's hard to view things outside of procuring basic needs, of fitting everything into boxes of usefulness to him, to imagine things he wants. It's not that he isn't good at getting what he does want, but usually his goals allow with becoming better, doing more, achieving goals that would elevate him. Of course those goals were also set with the idea of pulling his family with him, but he was certainly Crassus Snow's son in that regard.
Here it has been different, because the heads of the Court are the ones with power. It certainly changes the dynamic and voids any sort of ladder to climb. Though that doesn't mean he can't work on becoming powerful in other ways. How that will play out remains to be seen, but it is something has found himself wanting.]
Alright. I'm not sure how that would look. [A beat.] It's different here.
[ There's a brief moment of amusement as he finally, finally reaches for a fork to poke at some pancakes. Hesitant, at least, to make sure of what else Coriolanus might want to say but he shakes it off: ]
It is and no one knows what to expect, not exactly. [Softer: ] That's not a bad thing, you don't have to have, like, everything planned out. It's okay to take some time for yourself.
[ There's something in how he said it, in the weight of it. Maybe, it could be a point of self-deprecation - As if Billy should listen to his own advice. It's easier to be there for others, because if they're quiet maybe he can be, too.
Coriolanus isn't quiet, though, and as guilty as he feels about the quiet hopefulness, he focuses on that. Half tilts his head in consideration. Mouth dipping down before he breathes out: ]
[He was ready to move on with the pancakes, feeling a little more secure in his decision. There's always going to be a part of him that is attached to Lucy Gray, but maybe he didn't have to go into all of that. He could bury what happened back home. Move on from it, right?
But in those quiet moments, he could feel that there's still parts of him attached to things he hasn't quite processed himself. Blue eyes flicker up when Billy speaks. He doesn't know how to answer that, but Billy is astute. He's cracking further into him, and Coriolanus isn't entirely sure he likes it. He could push away, put that mask on that the other has been working on peeling off of him, but he just swallows.]
It's hard to leave it in the past. Not just seeing her again, but if she's here... I was what they called her Mentor. Panem is split into 12 Districts and the Capitol. During the War, they rebelled against us. Most of us lost everything. So when we won, the Capitol instituted something called The Hunger Games as a punishment to the Districts. One boy and one girl from every District must fight to the death to be the only Victor.
[He's looking down now, fork cast aside. His tongue slides over his back teeth, appetite stalled for now. Even for him it's a lot.]
It's as brutal as it sounds. But they made Capitol kids mentor them for the first year. It was like our Senior project. Winner got a full ride to the University. Or they were supposed to. [Which is how Coriolanus got exiled. Lucy won, but it cost him.]
[ For a moment, Billy considers if it was a mistake to push more. He can feel the way Coriolanus is clamming back down and hates that. He hates more, though, that there's some unbreachable part that the other is struggling through. He watches him swallow before dipping his eyes downwards, the pancakes are less appetizing now than they had been before. ]
[ He lets him speak before he nods, ]
I remember. You said — [That night, when things had unraveled as they had. He hasn't forgotten the conversation that led up to it, because both halves had been equally important. ]
[ There'd only been one girl he mentioned before. He doesn't need to repeat it, she's the one. ] You risked everything for her.
[ Which is why he wants to help them, too, but there's something more. He's not quite sure what it is, so he asks- ] Are you worried? About what it means?
[He knows he was repeating it, but it's still strange learning about other people, their homes, their countries, their lives. He's been so instilled to think of this societal contract. The Districts must pay for the crimes and horrors he had experienced as a child. It's the way the world must work for the Capitol to exist in any meaningful way. The only way.
He gives a slow nod though, because Lucy Gray was the first person to make him feel something beyond completely loyalty to the Capitol, not because he was some good citizen. He stayed in line because it made the most sense for the survival of his own family, but Lucy Gray was the one spark of empathy, a hope that there was good things out there beyond just the survival he knew.
But the Capitol didn't make that easy. They crushed any hope they could find, and the Games were an ever reminder of that.]
Not worried. I just feel tied to her in a way I can't explain. What we experienced in the Arena, even if I wasn't a tribute... [He shakes his head. Bobbin's blood would always be on his hands, understanding true power no matter how much someone can try and tell him that it was for his survival. It was still a brutal death. Snow still tasted it, and it's in his soul now. For as much hope and light that Lucy Gray could give, while Coriolanus hasn't yet experienced any true horrors in Faerie, he knows that Lucy Gray is still his connection to everything that is home, the good but also the overwhelming bad.
He doesn't blame her, and there's no part of him that wants to push her away for it, but he's very much aware that Lucy Gray's mere presence is that reminder to him. Even if he has no hope of ever returning to the Capitol now (both exiled to 12 and also potentially never returning from Faerie though the latter is harder to believe considering its what the Fae say).]
[ Billy's gaze dips as he listens to what goes said and unsaid. He lets the fork fall to his plate and both hands fold in front of him. Gray eyes are trained on thumbs that twist idly as he takes it in. There's not disdain, not jealous, not anything more than quiet. ]
[ He's not sure if Coriolanus is exactly aware of how much he hears - sees. That he knows the brutality he blames of himself, that Billy doesn't disagree he caused in the same way Billy has killed three people. In the same way his own bloody death creeps up late at night. For as much as he gives and as much as he believes, he has his own shared darkness. ]
[ Even still, he's certainly not in love with Agatha, but there is something that cements them together - An understanding no one else can have. A bond that supersedes other things. He's quiet yet and then he offers: ]
I know.
[Affirmation. Heavy. His heart feels cold in a way he doesn't like but he presses it aside as he's done all things: ]
Even if we're together, I don't expect you to care about her any less. She's the most important person in your world to you. [He's not going to deny that, though he phrases it as 'your' he's not sure it isn't in all the worlds. He doesn't have the self-worth to think he'd topple that, which is why when he glances up it's even: ] You're always have each other. And you'll always have me, if you want me, even if things change.
[Even if he decides that pull is something he can't deny. He'll understand that, too, because as much as he wants Coriolanus to stay his he will always choose other's happiness first. ]
[He isn't sure what to truly say at that, because he knows it comes from this selflessness that Billy possesses that is wildly in opposition to everything that Snow knows, has been trained into him to take the resources he needs (and thinks he deserves by virtue of his legacy). He shakes his head though, trying to reiterate it. It's not that he doesn't care about Lucy Gray, but he doesn't want Billy to think like that either.]
Don't do that. [He tries to stop him, reaching out across the table to put a hand on his.] Don't be selfless, because you think I would be happy. I know you care about that. Why you make pancakes in the morning and always have bread and snacks around. How I somehow never have to ask for what I need, but soap and clothes end up in drawers and cupboards. I know why you do it, and you deserve to say what you want, too.
[Because Billy's self worth matters to Coriolanus in that he sees the other as deserving and worthy-- more so than most people that Coriolanus doesn't even look at.]
[ Billy frowns but it's the hand atop his that makes him start enough to look up. His heart in his throat, as it so often is when it's Coriolanus who reaches out in these small moments first, but it's more than that. He flushes as the other goes on and dips his head in guilty admission. He's not wrong, as much as he wants to give him and to see him happy, it's also simply easier to put others first. ]
[You deserve to say what you want, too Coriolanus says and he swallows hard. He's taken back several months ago, to a text from Clint that made him cry for an evening. You deserve to exist, too. His heart truly must be caught in his throat because it's hard to swallow and his eyes burn with unshed tears -
Because he doesn't want to do that. He wants to say that this is about Coriolanus, not him, and he knows how stressful this must be. But there's a different answer that comes, a different answer the other wanted for him as he exhales a little more shakily than he'd like. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ He smiles somewhat sheepishly at seeing Coriolanus, keeping his gaze on his face. ]
Hey.
[ A softer sound, more normal perhaps but quiet all the same. Understanding as he grabs another plate and moves to place one in front of the chair Coriolanus is holding. He takes the seat across from him and pulls over what to say- you wanted to talk? Interesting night? Both discarded quickly. He says instead, as easily as morning greeting (not so easily now when he thought sbout it compared to recent days, so he doesnt). ]
You should eat first and then whenever you're ready?
[ Knowingly, understanding. ]
no subject
Eyes dart to the pancakes, and he can hardly turn them down, but he won't put their priority first. Not here when he does get to eat regularly.]
It's alright. I think I need to get this out first.
[Hands tense on the chair, wringing for a moment, but not letting his knuckles turn colors, before he's letting go.]
Someone from my home arrived. The girl I had mentioned. [It sounds more ominous than he means, but then he does have the tendency to hold a stiff posture.]
I told her about us though. I hope you don't mind.
[Though they've been an official item since Billy had asked, neither had been all too public about it. Not that he necessarily minded, but Coryo was also hardly a PDA kind of person either (so long as fae magic isn't involved). They are still finding their footing in different ways for how this works for them.]
no subject
He nods, though, and doesn't move further for his own food despite sitting. His attention turns to the hands on the chair, uncertain, as he nods. Yes, he met Lucy Gray. That much should be obvious, too, because why would they both be giving each other space? He half expects the weight to come and then,
He blinks, caught off guard, as his attention falls on the older teenager. ]
Why would I mind?
[He's happy staying private, that's never bothered him, they have enough stolen moments and it's not like he needs people to know but - Still. The implication is there, without question, that despite her being here he still wants to keep this - them - still going. Billy feels as relieved as he does guilty. ]
Are you okay ? I know seeing her again must have been a lot.
no subject
He also knew that Lucy and Billy had met from the conversation with her, but he also just needed to try and sort out what exactly he was feeling, but Coriolanus Snow has never not thought about his own interests first and what aligns better. It is only a more recent development that others need consideration-- especially in the context of what they are.]
It was... a little confusing at first. [That want to protect her, that possessive nature that doesn't fully leave him.] I wasn't expecting to ever see her again. I still... want her to be safe here.
[He did sacrifice everything for her back home after all. The potential catalyst if ever there was one in his life.]
I just needed to evaluate what I really wanted in Faerie. And what that means to me. [He nods his head toward Billy, an unabashed little smile forming as he speaks. He'd be lying if he didn't at least think about what being with Lucy Gray would be like. His world and hope hinged on it back home, but home was so limiting, and Billy offered a much brighter future, something he wanted to continue exploring.]
no subject
[ He doesn't feel jealousy, not really, at the idea Coriolanus might still feel certain ways about her. How can he? If it meant their happiness, he knew he'd back up in a moment. Even if he didn't want to. He discards it, now, for the moment. ]
Of course. I wouldn't expect you to not want to protect her or suddenly feel differently. If Eddie ever showed up it would be weird for me, too, even if I wouldn't want this to change.
[They don't actually talk about the fact that Billy technically had a boyfriend - at least in the sense that there's no way to break up with him having not seen him for a year. It's not like his own feelings had just disappeared, but it's complicated. In a different way. ]
[ From the little they've spoken about her, Billy also knows Lucy Gray is complicated but his heart hammers its betrayal at his own willingness to self-sacrifice at that response. When the other boy nods at him as if to say you and the smile, a true one, melts at something in Billy's heart.
The only thing he wants is to give him - them - a brighter anything in whatever way he can. His gaze drops a little, though the curves of his own grateful smile knit themselves. ]
And what does it mean to you, exactly? What do you want to do - I'll help with whatever it is, you know I will, helping her too. [He knows he has an idea now, but he will always choose to let the other boy speak if that's what he wants. ]
no subject
Because he knows exactly how complicated all of this is. Never would he think that he would be in this kind of position when he tried so hard to keep himself at arms length to everyone he knew. But they are far beyond that now.
Coryo lets out another slow breath, brows rising at that question now that he considers it.]
I'm not sure. Lucy Gray is an independent type of person herself, but she knows what it's like to show up some place with nothing. I'm sure she'll find a guitar some place if she hasn't already. I know she'll get what she needs. I just don't want her to struggle either. [A moment to look down.]
She deserves better than that. [She was a Victor. She never should have been in the Games, it seems. But then maybe no one deserved to be there either. Even after what the rebels did to the Capitol during the war. It's a weird thought to momentarily reflect on, but his eyes flicker back up to Billy. He doesn't exactly have a plan, but she knows to come to him if she needs anything.]
no subject
[ In the moment, it's a nod: ]
I already offered if she couldn't find someone, but they'll trade easily enough for a song. [And if she wants a guitar, she has plenty of those. ] We'll make sure she doesn't struggle.
[An offer, quiet, as if to say that he doesn't have to do anything alone. A beat. ] It's going to sound the same, but it's different - What do you need? From me? I'm more worried about you than her.
[Which is frank and honest and he thinks Coriloanus will still choose himself over her but still: ] I know this is a lot.
no subject
So now, he feels himself retreat back to who he has been, that same stiff resolve at the question. He knows that Billy won't take nothing for an answer though. He was always trying to do something for him.]
Those pancakes for a start? [He gestures toward the plate with his chin. Is it a cop-out? Absolutely.]
no subject
They're yours. [He feigns for amusement, pushes them a little closer to him, and then adds - ] Can I say something, or would you prefer I didn't?
no subject
No, go ahead.
[Honestly Billy's honesty is something refreshing. He isn't someone that just placates. He's not entirely sure if he really wants to hear it, but Billy deserves to have an open space to voice his opinion in this. Coriolanus is trying to understand something from someone else's perspective, and he knows he probably would not be taking this so well if the shoe was on the other foot.]
no subject
... Just because she's here doesn't mean you have to be who she expects. [Is that it? Almost, not quite, he has to readjust. ] When I first got here, there were people from... different realities, who knew different mes, who told me who I was to them and who I would become. They got annoyed or confused when I didn't want to hear it, because I'm not that person.
You're not that person, either. [He shakes his head, more at himself, because he's not saying it right. ] Of course, you want to help her and to see that she's safe - I don't think you'll put her before yourself not, like, physically.
But if who you want to be is someone that Panem wouldn't let you be, then thinking you have to do that for her is bad for you. I could tell you who I think Coriolanus Snow is now, and I have a lot of things to say, but that's not going to help you either — Who is Coriolanus Snow without Panem? The better question is who is Coriolanus Snow?
no subject
It's not that he's trying to be who Lucy Gray would want. It's that she herself is the reminder. He's Capitol. She's District. It would foolish to think they would ever work anyway. Even if she did make it back to 12 mostly unscathed. He'd gone looking for her there, but was there are world where they could work? He didn't want to push that question too far, because at the end of the day he was always going to be Capitol.]
It was easier to pretend Panem was so far away if she wasn't here. [Not that there weren't parts of himself that he had shown of himself. He did care for her even if her survival was intrinsically linked to his in other ways. But he does understand that circumstances shape who everyone is. So by fact even just being in Faerie has made them different.
But then Billy voices the question that's been rattling in his mind for several weeks, learning and exploring this place, broadening his horizons here. He blinks at it, to hear it through someone else's voice. Lips press together. He's not mad, but just realizing how much of a heavy question it is.
He doesn't doubt who he is. He knows his strengths very well, but he's also well aware of how those strengths came about. And because he could be someone different here, shaping strengths from other things like magic that Billy was teaching him for instances, maybe there was a chance. He didn't verbally know how to answer it though, but there's a flash of hope for a moment.]
no subject
And now it feels closer than ever?
[A question. A statement. He doesn't go for his own pancakes. There's no anxiety when he turns his attention to him. There's a hundred kinds of anxiety when he turns his attention to him. ]
The first person who called my Billy Kaplan was here and I hated it because they did that telling me they knew who I was, that no matter what I tried my story was always written. [That's not helpful. Probably, ] It took a while for me to realize they were the first person letting me be who I could be. Not one or the other. They accepted parts of me that I wasn't ready to accept myself.
[Hm. Is this still right? No. ]
If you need an island that's not Panem, then I can do that. [A little lightly: ] I think we can both agree I'm probably the only person to see all the parts of you and not turn away. Maybe there is bad, but there's good too and Panem hasn't taken all of it from you.
no subject
He even understood the complexities that Gaul was trying to show him. The contract of their society, the very way 'us' vs 'them' must play out for their survival. He hates that. Feels his stomach curl when he thinks of the essay he wrote, but it's hard to pull himself away from that loyalty.
So he listens. He doesn't blink, just stands there, and takes in the words that Billy says. That there's a version that was created with the parts maybe Billy wanted to keep, as Billy and William, to make the man he was becoming in Faerie.]
I think the difference between you and I is that I don't question the bad, [He admits quietly. It's not that he's actively trying to hurt people, not the way Gaul and the Gamemakers do, the way they constructed the Games to begin with. He's seen the suffering, up close. But he's got blood on his hands, and he isn't exactly sad about it either.]
I know it was for survival. I know that might change things for some people. But it just feels like I am meant for more. I don't even think it's possible now, not after everything that happened. What they showed me. What they did to me. To those kids. [The image of Reaper laying out the bodies of the slain children with Panem's flag under a crushed and bomb exploded Capitol arena fills his memory.]
And yet, it's still hard to not think of myself as Capitol, just stuck in District 12 for the next twenty years. [The thoughts that had been going over in his mind as he did end up in the District, even with Sejanus. Maybe more so because of Sejanus.]
no subject
[The agreement is quiet - not unaware. Billy's actions were also for survival, he knew that, but he didn't accept them. Whereas Coriolanus could justify his own, Billy felt the regret and desire to avoid doing it again.
That is where they differ, more than anything, that and one other thing. Coriolanus wanted greatness, it was engrained in who he was how he was raised. Capitol through and through, but he lacked real power. Meanwhile, Billy had more power than he knew what to do with. Power he didn't always want.
Funny that.
He pauses and then offers: ]
Do you want your future to be the Capitol?
no subject
[He knows Tigris wouldn't tell him the whole truth to spare him. He sighs out slowly. It's something else the Capitol did, punished them for what he did. But that's the power they had. To hurt the ones they loved, to keep compliance.]
I want my future here.
[It isn't to say that he doesn't want something here, notoriety or something similar. He still wants the respectability that he'd become accustomed to. He was the Golden Child even before the Hunger Games, and he rose in popularity the more Lucy Gray played. The longer the Games went on, and she survived, the more of a force they had become. Being here almost felt like that loss he had when he arrived in 12. He didn't choose that though.
But then the Capitol was no real option here either. Supposedly it was all gone, right? But he also doesn't want to suffer. He doesn't want to go back to exile. He doesn't want to go back to how dingy 12 is. He doesn't want that power dynamic when he has finally escaped it. It feels like there's more potential here, more freedom.]
no subject
Coriolanus had been lucky enough so far.
That's not the answer he's looking for, though, and not for the first time Billy is reminded of the first night they met. Yes, it had been intimate, but above it all he'd felt a trapped boy who didn't know what freedom was. Had never truly experienced it before and had, slowly, melted into open freedom against him. It feels like the closest he's come to admitting what he truly wants, needs. ]
Then let's focus on your future here.
no subject
Here it has been different, because the heads of the Court are the ones with power. It certainly changes the dynamic and voids any sort of ladder to climb. Though that doesn't mean he can't work on becoming powerful in other ways. How that will play out remains to be seen, but it is something has found himself wanting.]
Alright. I'm not sure how that would look. [A beat.] It's different here.
no subject
It is and no one knows what to expect, not exactly. [Softer: ] That's not a bad thing, you don't have to have, like, everything planned out. It's okay to take some time for yourself.
[ There's something in how he said it, in the weight of it. Maybe, it could be a point of self-deprecation - As if Billy should listen to his own advice. It's easier to be there for others, because if they're quiet maybe he can be, too.
Coriolanus isn't quiet, though, and as guilty as he feels about the quiet hopefulness, he focuses on that. Half tilts his head in consideration. Mouth dipping down before he breathes out: ]
But there's something else, right?
no subject
But in those quiet moments, he could feel that there's still parts of him attached to things he hasn't quite processed himself. Blue eyes flicker up when Billy speaks. He doesn't know how to answer that, but Billy is astute. He's cracking further into him, and Coriolanus isn't entirely sure he likes it. He could push away, put that mask on that the other has been working on peeling off of him, but he just swallows.]
It's hard to leave it in the past. Not just seeing her again, but if she's here... I was what they called her Mentor. Panem is split into 12 Districts and the Capitol. During the War, they rebelled against us. Most of us lost everything. So when we won, the Capitol instituted something called The Hunger Games as a punishment to the Districts. One boy and one girl from every District must fight to the death to be the only Victor.
[He's looking down now, fork cast aside. His tongue slides over his back teeth, appetite stalled for now. Even for him it's a lot.]
It's as brutal as it sounds. But they made Capitol kids mentor them for the first year. It was like our Senior project. Winner got a full ride to the University. Or they were supposed to. [Which is how Coriolanus got exiled. Lucy won, but it cost him.]
no subject
[ He lets him speak before he nods, ]
I remember. You said — [That night, when things had unraveled as they had. He hasn't forgotten the conversation that led up to it, because both halves had been equally important. ]
[ There'd only been one girl he mentioned before. He doesn't need to repeat it, she's the one. ] You risked everything for her.
[ Which is why he wants to help them, too, but there's something more. He's not quite sure what it is, so he asks- ] Are you worried? About what it means?
no subject
He gives a slow nod though, because Lucy Gray was the first person to make him feel something beyond completely loyalty to the Capitol, not because he was some good citizen. He stayed in line because it made the most sense for the survival of his own family, but Lucy Gray was the one spark of empathy, a hope that there was good things out there beyond just the survival he knew.
But the Capitol didn't make that easy. They crushed any hope they could find, and the Games were an ever reminder of that.]
Not worried. I just feel tied to her in a way I can't explain. What we experienced in the Arena, even if I wasn't a tribute... [He shakes his head. Bobbin's blood would always be on his hands, understanding true power no matter how much someone can try and tell him that it was for his survival. It was still a brutal death. Snow still tasted it, and it's in his soul now. For as much hope and light that Lucy Gray could give, while Coriolanus hasn't yet experienced any true horrors in Faerie, he knows that Lucy Gray is still his connection to everything that is home, the good but also the overwhelming bad.
He doesn't blame her, and there's no part of him that wants to push her away for it, but he's very much aware that Lucy Gray's mere presence is that reminder to him. Even if he has no hope of ever returning to the Capitol now (both exiled to 12 and also potentially never returning from Faerie though the latter is harder to believe considering its what the Fae say).]
no subject
[ He's not sure if Coriolanus is exactly aware of how much he hears - sees. That he knows the brutality he blames of himself, that Billy doesn't disagree he caused in the same way Billy has killed three people. In the same way his own bloody death creeps up late at night. For as much as he gives and as much as he believes, he has his own shared darkness. ]
[ Even still, he's certainly not in love with Agatha, but there is something that cements them together - An understanding no one else can have. A bond that supersedes other things. He's quiet yet and then he offers: ]
I know.
[Affirmation. Heavy. His heart feels cold in a way he doesn't like but he presses it aside as he's done all things: ]
Even if we're together, I don't expect you to care about her any less. She's the most important person in your world to you. [He's not going to deny that, though he phrases it as 'your' he's not sure it isn't in all the worlds. He doesn't have the self-worth to think he'd topple that, which is why when he glances up it's even: ] You're always have each other. And you'll always have me, if you want me, even if things change.
[Even if he decides that pull is something he can't deny. He'll understand that, too, because as much as he wants Coriolanus to stay his he will always choose other's happiness first. ]
soup lmao soup ends up in the drawers i'm crying
Don't do that. [He tries to stop him, reaching out across the table to put a hand on his.] Don't be selfless, because you think I would be happy. I know you care about that. Why you make pancakes in the morning and always have bread and snacks around. How I somehow never have to ask for what I need, but soap and clothes end up in drawers and cupboards. I know why you do it, and you deserve to say what you want, too.
[Because Billy's self worth matters to Coriolanus in that he sees the other as deserving and worthy-- more so than most people that Coriolanus doesn't even look at.]
drawer soup delicious
[ You deserve to say what you want, too Coriolanus says and he swallows hard. He's taken back several months ago, to a text from Clint that made him cry for an evening. You deserve to exist, too. His heart truly must be caught in his throat because it's hard to swallow and his eyes burn with unshed tears -
Because he doesn't want to do that. He wants to say that this is about Coriolanus, not him, and he knows how stressful this must be. But there's a different answer that comes, a different answer the other wanted for him as he exhales a little more shakily than he'd like. ]
I want you. I don't want to lose you.
as long as it doesn't spoil xD
magically preserved soup so coryo never goes hungry
you saw nothing but reheated soup and pancakes