[ There's a brief moment of amusement as he finally, finally reaches for a fork to poke at some pancakes. Hesitant, at least, to make sure of what else Coriolanus might want to say but he shakes it off: ]
It is and no one knows what to expect, not exactly. [Softer: ] That's not a bad thing, you don't have to have, like, everything planned out. It's okay to take some time for yourself.
[ There's something in how he said it, in the weight of it. Maybe, it could be a point of self-deprecation - As if Billy should listen to his own advice. It's easier to be there for others, because if they're quiet maybe he can be, too.
Coriolanus isn't quiet, though, and as guilty as he feels about the quiet hopefulness, he focuses on that. Half tilts his head in consideration. Mouth dipping down before he breathes out: ]
[He was ready to move on with the pancakes, feeling a little more secure in his decision. There's always going to be a part of him that is attached to Lucy Gray, but maybe he didn't have to go into all of that. He could bury what happened back home. Move on from it, right?
But in those quiet moments, he could feel that there's still parts of him attached to things he hasn't quite processed himself. Blue eyes flicker up when Billy speaks. He doesn't know how to answer that, but Billy is astute. He's cracking further into him, and Coriolanus isn't entirely sure he likes it. He could push away, put that mask on that the other has been working on peeling off of him, but he just swallows.]
It's hard to leave it in the past. Not just seeing her again, but if she's here... I was what they called her Mentor. Panem is split into 12 Districts and the Capitol. During the War, they rebelled against us. Most of us lost everything. So when we won, the Capitol instituted something called The Hunger Games as a punishment to the Districts. One boy and one girl from every District must fight to the death to be the only Victor.
[He's looking down now, fork cast aside. His tongue slides over his back teeth, appetite stalled for now. Even for him it's a lot.]
It's as brutal as it sounds. But they made Capitol kids mentor them for the first year. It was like our Senior project. Winner got a full ride to the University. Or they were supposed to. [Which is how Coriolanus got exiled. Lucy won, but it cost him.]
[ For a moment, Billy considers if it was a mistake to push more. He can feel the way Coriolanus is clamming back down and hates that. He hates more, though, that there's some unbreachable part that the other is struggling through. He watches him swallow before dipping his eyes downwards, the pancakes are less appetizing now than they had been before. ]
[ He lets him speak before he nods, ]
I remember. You said — [That night, when things had unraveled as they had. He hasn't forgotten the conversation that led up to it, because both halves had been equally important. ]
[ There'd only been one girl he mentioned before. He doesn't need to repeat it, she's the one. ] You risked everything for her.
[ Which is why he wants to help them, too, but there's something more. He's not quite sure what it is, so he asks- ] Are you worried? About what it means?
[He knows he was repeating it, but it's still strange learning about other people, their homes, their countries, their lives. He's been so instilled to think of this societal contract. The Districts must pay for the crimes and horrors he had experienced as a child. It's the way the world must work for the Capitol to exist in any meaningful way. The only way.
He gives a slow nod though, because Lucy Gray was the first person to make him feel something beyond completely loyalty to the Capitol, not because he was some good citizen. He stayed in line because it made the most sense for the survival of his own family, but Lucy Gray was the one spark of empathy, a hope that there was good things out there beyond just the survival he knew.
But the Capitol didn't make that easy. They crushed any hope they could find, and the Games were an ever reminder of that.]
Not worried. I just feel tied to her in a way I can't explain. What we experienced in the Arena, even if I wasn't a tribute... [He shakes his head. Bobbin's blood would always be on his hands, understanding true power no matter how much someone can try and tell him that it was for his survival. It was still a brutal death. Snow still tasted it, and it's in his soul now. For as much hope and light that Lucy Gray could give, while Coriolanus hasn't yet experienced any true horrors in Faerie, he knows that Lucy Gray is still his connection to everything that is home, the good but also the overwhelming bad.
He doesn't blame her, and there's no part of him that wants to push her away for it, but he's very much aware that Lucy Gray's mere presence is that reminder to him. Even if he has no hope of ever returning to the Capitol now (both exiled to 12 and also potentially never returning from Faerie though the latter is harder to believe considering its what the Fae say).]
[ Billy's gaze dips as he listens to what goes said and unsaid. He lets the fork fall to his plate and both hands fold in front of him. Gray eyes are trained on thumbs that twist idly as he takes it in. There's not disdain, not jealous, not anything more than quiet. ]
[ He's not sure if Coriolanus is exactly aware of how much he hears - sees. That he knows the brutality he blames of himself, that Billy doesn't disagree he caused in the same way Billy has killed three people. In the same way his own bloody death creeps up late at night. For as much as he gives and as much as he believes, he has his own shared darkness. ]
[ Even still, he's certainly not in love with Agatha, but there is something that cements them together - An understanding no one else can have. A bond that supersedes other things. He's quiet yet and then he offers: ]
I know.
[Affirmation. Heavy. His heart feels cold in a way he doesn't like but he presses it aside as he's done all things: ]
Even if we're together, I don't expect you to care about her any less. She's the most important person in your world to you. [He's not going to deny that, though he phrases it as 'your' he's not sure it isn't in all the worlds. He doesn't have the self-worth to think he'd topple that, which is why when he glances up it's even: ] You're always have each other. And you'll always have me, if you want me, even if things change.
[Even if he decides that pull is something he can't deny. He'll understand that, too, because as much as he wants Coriolanus to stay his he will always choose other's happiness first. ]
[He isn't sure what to truly say at that, because he knows it comes from this selflessness that Billy possesses that is wildly in opposition to everything that Snow knows, has been trained into him to take the resources he needs (and thinks he deserves by virtue of his legacy). He shakes his head though, trying to reiterate it. It's not that he doesn't care about Lucy Gray, but he doesn't want Billy to think like that either.]
Don't do that. [He tries to stop him, reaching out across the table to put a hand on his.] Don't be selfless, because you think I would be happy. I know you care about that. Why you make pancakes in the morning and always have bread and snacks around. How I somehow never have to ask for what I need, but soap and clothes end up in drawers and cupboards. I know why you do it, and you deserve to say what you want, too.
[Because Billy's self worth matters to Coriolanus in that he sees the other as deserving and worthy-- more so than most people that Coriolanus doesn't even look at.]
[ Billy frowns but it's the hand atop his that makes him start enough to look up. His heart in his throat, as it so often is when it's Coriolanus who reaches out in these small moments first, but it's more than that. He flushes as the other goes on and dips his head in guilty admission. He's not wrong, as much as he wants to give him and to see him happy, it's also simply easier to put others first. ]
[You deserve to say what you want, too Coriolanus says and he swallows hard. He's taken back several months ago, to a text from Clint that made him cry for an evening. You deserve to exist, too. His heart truly must be caught in his throat because it's hard to swallow and his eyes burn with unshed tears -
Because he doesn't want to do that. He wants to say that this is about Coriolanus, not him, and he knows how stressful this must be. But there's a different answer that comes, a different answer the other wanted for him as he exhales a little more shakily than he'd like. ]
[He's glad that he does speak up, that he doesn't try and push it away. Coriolanus wants him to be more selfish. His smile looks a little proud as he sits back, hand still on the other's. Good. At least they're on the same level here. He might not have verbalized it in the same way, but he also knows that Billy knows.]
You won't. I'm right here. In your kitchen. Eating your pancakes. Which are pretty damn good.
[He can add pancakes to the list of things that Coryo does, indeed, like.]
I'm happy right here.
magically preserved soup so coryo never goes hungry
[ The smiles Coriolanus fixes him with makes his heart melt a little. The answer was the right choice even if it feels unbelievably selfish. He laughs, only slightly scratchy, but genuine as he grins at him. ]
Our kitchen, technically, but noted. [He counters lightly. He will remember that the other likes pancakes, just as he likes soup. Nothing can go wrong here. He swallows, still smiling.]
[He doesn't need to be an empath to see just how happy Billy is, and while it's hard for him to step outside of himself, he also does realize he needs to work on paying more attention to it. Coriolanus said his piece, and Billy spoke truthfully. He knows where they stand.
So his hand gets a little pat before he's turning back to the pancakes, because he can't let them go to waste either.]
Then we'll go from here. [He doesn't expect it to be so easy, but they have a starting point. Nothing has changed from the last conversation they've had on the subject. About a future. About being here together.]
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It is and no one knows what to expect, not exactly. [Softer: ] That's not a bad thing, you don't have to have, like, everything planned out. It's okay to take some time for yourself.
[ There's something in how he said it, in the weight of it. Maybe, it could be a point of self-deprecation - As if Billy should listen to his own advice. It's easier to be there for others, because if they're quiet maybe he can be, too.
Coriolanus isn't quiet, though, and as guilty as he feels about the quiet hopefulness, he focuses on that. Half tilts his head in consideration. Mouth dipping down before he breathes out: ]
But there's something else, right?
no subject
But in those quiet moments, he could feel that there's still parts of him attached to things he hasn't quite processed himself. Blue eyes flicker up when Billy speaks. He doesn't know how to answer that, but Billy is astute. He's cracking further into him, and Coriolanus isn't entirely sure he likes it. He could push away, put that mask on that the other has been working on peeling off of him, but he just swallows.]
It's hard to leave it in the past. Not just seeing her again, but if she's here... I was what they called her Mentor. Panem is split into 12 Districts and the Capitol. During the War, they rebelled against us. Most of us lost everything. So when we won, the Capitol instituted something called The Hunger Games as a punishment to the Districts. One boy and one girl from every District must fight to the death to be the only Victor.
[He's looking down now, fork cast aside. His tongue slides over his back teeth, appetite stalled for now. Even for him it's a lot.]
It's as brutal as it sounds. But they made Capitol kids mentor them for the first year. It was like our Senior project. Winner got a full ride to the University. Or they were supposed to. [Which is how Coriolanus got exiled. Lucy won, but it cost him.]
no subject
[ He lets him speak before he nods, ]
I remember. You said — [That night, when things had unraveled as they had. He hasn't forgotten the conversation that led up to it, because both halves had been equally important. ]
[ There'd only been one girl he mentioned before. He doesn't need to repeat it, she's the one. ] You risked everything for her.
[ Which is why he wants to help them, too, but there's something more. He's not quite sure what it is, so he asks- ] Are you worried? About what it means?
no subject
He gives a slow nod though, because Lucy Gray was the first person to make him feel something beyond completely loyalty to the Capitol, not because he was some good citizen. He stayed in line because it made the most sense for the survival of his own family, but Lucy Gray was the one spark of empathy, a hope that there was good things out there beyond just the survival he knew.
But the Capitol didn't make that easy. They crushed any hope they could find, and the Games were an ever reminder of that.]
Not worried. I just feel tied to her in a way I can't explain. What we experienced in the Arena, even if I wasn't a tribute... [He shakes his head. Bobbin's blood would always be on his hands, understanding true power no matter how much someone can try and tell him that it was for his survival. It was still a brutal death. Snow still tasted it, and it's in his soul now. For as much hope and light that Lucy Gray could give, while Coriolanus hasn't yet experienced any true horrors in Faerie, he knows that Lucy Gray is still his connection to everything that is home, the good but also the overwhelming bad.
He doesn't blame her, and there's no part of him that wants to push her away for it, but he's very much aware that Lucy Gray's mere presence is that reminder to him. Even if he has no hope of ever returning to the Capitol now (both exiled to 12 and also potentially never returning from Faerie though the latter is harder to believe considering its what the Fae say).]
no subject
[ He's not sure if Coriolanus is exactly aware of how much he hears - sees. That he knows the brutality he blames of himself, that Billy doesn't disagree he caused in the same way Billy has killed three people. In the same way his own bloody death creeps up late at night. For as much as he gives and as much as he believes, he has his own shared darkness. ]
[ Even still, he's certainly not in love with Agatha, but there is something that cements them together - An understanding no one else can have. A bond that supersedes other things. He's quiet yet and then he offers: ]
I know.
[Affirmation. Heavy. His heart feels cold in a way he doesn't like but he presses it aside as he's done all things: ]
Even if we're together, I don't expect you to care about her any less. She's the most important person in your world to you. [He's not going to deny that, though he phrases it as 'your' he's not sure it isn't in all the worlds. He doesn't have the self-worth to think he'd topple that, which is why when he glances up it's even: ] You're always have each other. And you'll always have me, if you want me, even if things change.
[Even if he decides that pull is something he can't deny. He'll understand that, too, because as much as he wants Coriolanus to stay his he will always choose other's happiness first. ]
soup lmao soup ends up in the drawers i'm crying
Don't do that. [He tries to stop him, reaching out across the table to put a hand on his.] Don't be selfless, because you think I would be happy. I know you care about that. Why you make pancakes in the morning and always have bread and snacks around. How I somehow never have to ask for what I need, but soap and clothes end up in drawers and cupboards. I know why you do it, and you deserve to say what you want, too.
[Because Billy's self worth matters to Coriolanus in that he sees the other as deserving and worthy-- more so than most people that Coriolanus doesn't even look at.]
drawer soup delicious
[ You deserve to say what you want, too Coriolanus says and he swallows hard. He's taken back several months ago, to a text from Clint that made him cry for an evening. You deserve to exist, too. His heart truly must be caught in his throat because it's hard to swallow and his eyes burn with unshed tears -
Because he doesn't want to do that. He wants to say that this is about Coriolanus, not him, and he knows how stressful this must be. But there's a different answer that comes, a different answer the other wanted for him as he exhales a little more shakily than he'd like. ]
I want you. I don't want to lose you.
as long as it doesn't spoil xD
You won't. I'm right here. In your kitchen. Eating your pancakes. Which are pretty damn good.
[He can add pancakes to the list of things that Coryo does, indeed, like.]
I'm happy right here.
magically preserved soup so coryo never goes hungry
Our kitchen, technically, but noted. [He counters lightly. He will remember that the other likes pancakes, just as he likes soup. Nothing can go wrong here. He swallows, still smiling.]
I'm happy here, too.
you saw nothing but reheated soup and pancakes
So his hand gets a little pat before he's turning back to the pancakes, because he can't let them go to waste either.]
Then we'll go from here. [He doesn't expect it to be so easy, but they have a starting point. Nothing has changed from the last conversation they've had on the subject. About a future. About being here together.]