restitui | limelight

Real as you or me and those "ghosts," even if in another place and time.

Yeah.

So if they're real then I'm the reincarnated son of a witch and an android. I'm their literal wish come true. I shouldn't even exist or be real, but here I am.

[ a beat okay so that's barely an explanation. ]

Did you know I'm an amnesiac? Here and there. It's - part of the reincarnation package. I only remembered a name there. My twin's name - I couldn't remember anything else. But eventually I was able to remember the moment we died and that let me bring him back from just a memory.

"Family is forever. We could never really leave each other even if we tried."

[ he's not sure that even gets to half the explanation but- ]

Edited 2025-05-23 04:34 (UTC)

[ there a lot of potential things here, but Sam isn't quite sure what line of thinking Phoenix is going down. Still, he is much not interested in hearing more rather than less. ]

So are you suggesting that memories can't take away our humanity? Or that you can hold onto your memories and retain your humanity here? Or...?

[ A pause. He shakes his head. ]

I'm saying I refuse to let that happen. I won't forget who I am. I will always be me. Whoever I decide that is - all of it. That everything about who I am and where I come from counteracts that and I'll find the power to make sure it stays that way.

Which I know sounds like wishful thinking, but I came from wishful thinking. I'm going to believe in it. For all of us.

And who's to say that's not a misleading? A world where too many memories makes you lose your humanity?

It feels to me like the world forgot them and in doing so they started losing who parts of them are. There's a reason why talking to the "Ghosts" is encouraged and why they respond more the more you talk to them. There's a reason we're being told their stories. There's a reason no one else seems to really know who they are.

Maybe people with too many memories - a too long life or whatever - change and forget what it's like. But I -

No. I feel too much to believe there will be a day where everyone here forgets their humanity.

It could be, but two of the "ghosts" in Cirrus suffered this ailment or whatever we might call it. So unless the ghosts are lying, it probably isn't misleading.

[ Frowns, but just as stubbornly: ]

Then we rewrite it.

Oh? I like that sound of that. Has a promising ring to it.

[ huffs a breath that'd be more of a laugh if he wasn't still serious: ]

We're going to find a way. I refuse to let that be the end for anyone here.

That's the spirit. And that makes the "a lot of things" on your mind just a tiny bit easier to digest when holding onto conviction like that, too, maybe?

[ FR huffs a laugh with a deep breath: ]

Definitely not.

Well, one step at a time and all that.

[ shrugs a little, ]

Yeah. Anyway.

Back to the original question that you're very good at veering away from: The ship isn't going to give you a reason for living. You will. The things that motivate you and the people and -

Deciding who you want to be and what you want to do. The ship'd only be like a tool to find it? Like anywhere else. A really bad one at that.

Edited 2025-05-23 06:18 (UTC)

Oh, but did you know it's been shown that when people are together in inherently dangerous or otherwise perceived dangerous situations, that they're more willing to take risks in terms of emotional connection and bonding with each other? Kinda forces your hand a bit.

And I mean, I do have the alternative.

Edited (autocorrect pls) 2025-05-23 06:38 (UTC)

... you're just making it sound like you need the adrenaline to feel you have a connection with people and that's just wrong.

What's the alternative?

Hey, I actually read about that! I have no firsthand experience in it, and I've been in plenty of adrenaline-fueled situations.

...Aha, I told you already. A way to die.

Not a real option. Vetoed.

[ The first part is an immediate response. Not heated, just direct. The second comes from the quiet stillness.

A hand tightening around the mug of the cup he hadn't returned to drinking from. He takes a moment to sort through the thoughts he has before digging through the words he thinks are the right ones - ]

Would a better rephrasing being - you're hoping that the "reason for living" comes from feeling something?

[ Sam is quiet. There's a distinct pause as if the very air around him pauses, as if any live aura that some people claim to see has frozen still. It's not aggressive or defensive, it's a significant pause of a successful strike to a hidden target, and the owner of said target is not quite sure how it was identified this type of target exists at all.

There's very low output from Sam, Phoenix has clearly already sensed this even if Sam can't yet recognize or suspect it. But in this pause, there is some noise, especially in the absence of any normal emotional frequencies the average individual exhibits.

There's tension, strain, like an iron grip holding fast to something to make sure not even a drop of that something can seep through. If Phoenix is capable or his vision self were capable of sensing the introduce of the mind, he might be able to recognize it as immense mental exertion holding something back, keeping it on a tight leash.

In that silence, just for a moment, the mental and emotional fatigue is like experiencing a haze visually as well as sensing it.

Sam pauses for one moment longer, as if seriously considering his options of response, especially to a teenager that clearly has more than his fair share of burdens. ]

Aheh. [ he smiles thinly, a matter of amusement and performance. His voice is not hostile or threatening, though, just intrigued. But even that intrigue, which is sincere, is subdued in its output like a blanket smothering it. ]

My, my... now where did you ever go and hear a thing like that?

[ he doesn't lie, but he clearly isn't ready to openly admit anything, especially not without a little give and take.

he can't jump to conclusions, afterall. he doesn't have such capabilities that allow him to and he's been brought up too emotionally-tempered to be haughty enough to make assumptions when there's no good reason to. ]

[ The hot chocolate is becoming cold chocolate by now, but this is more important he thinks. He "hears" but it's a different kind of hearing. Perhaps, he thinks, if he were to look at himself in certain moments it would feel similar. It's an absence and a constraint. People don't realize how loud trying not to feel at all can actually be, but he swallows that back. ]

[ He doesn't even need it to know he hit close from Sam's silence. He picks up the drink finally and takes a drink as he waits, but he doesn't look at the older man. He waits as he speaks - and he does - and puts the drink down cleanly. ]

I heard it from you.

[ Phoenix's own sense of quiet wraps around him, but his voice doesn't lower at the response. He doesn't look up again - yet - but there's no lack of sincerity that he gives. A tone more serious than his age should allow as he flickers a smile. ]

You came back to a place people call "a murdership" because you want a reason to live or die and talked about how intense situations make people bond more. It makes it sound like you need those intense situations to help you.

[ He draws a breath, retracts his hands from the cup to fold in front of him as his brows pinch together. ]

I also read people better than most people ever will... That's, not me being cocky or whatever and sometimes I can be wrong. But when people feel things intensely or I feel close to them, I hear them -here.

[ He taps his forehead. ] And I'm not saying I hear you, but when you hear dozens, hundreds, of people everyday tells become easier to see.

Well, aren't you just a little bit dangerous with a capability like that, my friend.

[ he says it as a statement rather than a question. ]

So, what intense feeling do you hear from me? ...Or, are you saying that it's a silence from me that's so loud after being used to hearing from so many?

...To be honest, I don't know if those situations can help me, as I've never experienced any help as a result so far. If anything, I've felt less connected, not more. The more I see others connect here when the connections don't even make any sense and fail at those connections myself, the further disconnected I feel from everything and everyone. Trying and getting nowhere is exhausting for me.

I do admit the concept is fascinating and is a bit of a magic bullet in my mind, in a way, though. But so far, there's no magic bullet for me.

[ Just a little bit dangerous, Sam says and he doesn't know hard that slams into home. The boy drops his hands to his lap and looks away - it's almost enough to hide the flinch. Almost. ]

[ Something bubbles up and he caps it down. He caps it all down into that perpetual stillness that had been creeping up to the surface - ready to cloak and hide in a moment's notice now. He shrugs. ]

It doesn't matter. If you can't hear it, it's hard to explain anyway.

[ A half truth. He could say both. He doesn't. Instead his gaze is trained away from the table, half looking out one of the windows and the leaves slowly fluttering to the ground. ]

You can't force connections. Who someone becomes close to doesn't have to make sense? I won't say it's "fate," but sometimes there are forces that bring people together in that exact moment and even if they don't make sense to the outside it makes sense to them...?

Maybe you're just looking in the wrong places. Or... if you let yourself feel more, you'd find them in the right places?

It's true you can't force them. And you can't try harder to make it work like you want it to.

I'm almost always looking in the wrong places, I'm sure. What do you do when there are no right places?

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