[ It's a big question and he knows it the moment it leaves his lips. Loki's frown is met with a brief apologetic smile, but he doesn't take it back. The other is free to decline answering and he'd not ask further - even if his mind speaks its secrets anyway. ]
[ A nod to the guilt- now he almost says its okay not to continue but the thought presses down first. ]
Oh.
[ It's a small sound. It's not of shock or hatred or - No, its just oh a sense of recognition and understanding that may not be quite right. For a moment he drinks and then asks: ]
[But there really is only so much you can say in defense of killing an innocent child. If Phoenix wishes to hear it, though, he'll oblige.]
The original Loki, once the relatively harmless God of Mischief, came to be known as the God of Evil. He was a useless villain, whose main purpose in life was to lose so that the Avengers could win. He tired of this monotony, and one day, he hatched a scheme.
And Loki died. He sacrificed himself to save Asgard, or so it appeared.
He was soon reincarnated, for Loki had made a deal with Hela so that he would never truly die. But the reincarnated Loki was but a boy, who had no memories of his past life. This child was thrust into a world that hated him, filled to the brim with those who wanted him dead.
It is no wonder then, that this child came to question why he existed in the first place. Why had Loki died? He chased this riddle all the way into the dot on the question mark.
There, he met me. An echo of the Loki that once was. The boy asked me his questions and I answered, that I had wanted to change. Loki agreed with me, to an extent. He too wanted to change, to prove that he was different from his past self. But the past is in the past, and he was Loki now, not me. He relegated me to his pet. I would be Ikol, his opposite. A mere magpie.
I helped the boy along on his journey, as animal sidekicks are want to do. I provided sarcastic commentary here and there, information on his past life when he asked, and near constant companionship.
Loki thought little of the time I took to myself. What could I even be doing? I was a bird. I was probably just eating worms or pruning myself, he figured. But I was biding my time. Watching as the boy's own schemes developed and waiting for the time to strike.
It took less than a year for one of his plans to backfire substantially. On one of his previous adventures, Loki had created a crown of pure fearstuff, sourced directly from his own mind. And he left it for the fear gods to fight over, a perfect hot potato MacGuffin that would never be used because they were too busy killing each other. Or so he thought. A little birdie happened to tell Mephisto of this crown. He dealt with those lesser beings easily, claiming Loki's fear all for himself and all the power that came along with it. Mephisto was poised to take over the Nine Realms, and it was all thanks to Loki. Pure and innocent Loki.
I informed the boy of this, and I told him the options he had before him. Let Mephisto win, or... allow me to kill him. If Loki were to die, his fear would die with him. This whole plot could be easily avoided. I would take over his body, and live on in his place.
Why? he asked me again. Why did Loki do it? That's always the question it comes down to.
Because I wanted to change. I wanted to be the Loki who won. That was the old Loki's plan from the start, for the boy to earn their trust with his good deeds so that his spirit might then take advantage of that position.
And the boy was good, truly good. He had changed. He had no choice but to agree to my plan, though he hated every second of it. And so I killed him.
Asgard was saved. The boy was dead. And I found myself as the new Loki, the beloved little rascal who had proven he was different from the Loki of the past.
Re: cw: more child death from this point on also metaphorical suicide
[ Phoenix listens without interruption. He listens, takes it in, categorizes this and that and stills. A quiet force as he considers what to say for several long stretching moments when the other finishes. ]
... I'm not saying you - he? - didn't do anything wrong. You manipulated him, but it also sounds like -
[ A pause to find the words. ]
You were narrated into a life that was cruel. No one is truly ever entirely evil - I believe that. And we play the roles expected of us are, like, forced into them. A role where you're only seen as one thing and will always be the one to fail and lose? To never figure out who you could be?
That is cruel.
You may have manipulated him, but maybe that's the way the story was supposed to go, too? It was still from his own choices, I mean.
[ ... ]
Mostly, if that part of you that survived was truly irredeemable and evil, then it wouldn't feel guilty. It wouldn't be trying like you are now.
[It's a kind and considerate response. Perhaps kinder than he deserves, but he won't let that thought fester.]
That's what I've tried to tell myself. As of late, at least. When I first awoke in his body, I tried to ignore all those feelings and continue on with my evil plan. But my guilt was so great that it ended up taking a form of its own, a construct that tortured me until I admitted what I had done.
[To the Young Avengers, at least. Thor still doesn't know.]
You can see why I might hesitate when it comes to my future self here, though. Everyone can say all the nice platitudes they want, but I would be refusing my own character development if I actively chose to stay to like this.
[ Earnestly given. He takes another sip of his drink. ]
... I'm not trying to give you nice platitudes. I don't think you're all good, I don't think you're all evil either... But, I can understand if you feel you need to go back.
[ another beat ]
Can I show you something? You won't think it's exactly the same and it's not, but I'll show you. If you want to see it.
I hope you won't take offense if I say that's brave of you and I hope it goes well.
[ Because it feels important to see. Especially if, as Loki says, this might be an exchange for all of them that is temporary. (He doesn't want that). Selfishly, he hopes this is all just a really long performance. ]
I do. But it does mean me showing you here - [ he taps his forehead for emphasis and smiles a little, ] I wouldn't be looking, just showing though.
Well, I am a very brave and heroic god, so why would I be offended?
[He's joking.]
Phoenix, this is hardly my first mind rodeo, though I suppose I should be grateful you ask first, unlike Amora. Go ahead.
[Wait, one little note!]
Still, I suggest you make certain to keep to strictly showing not out of bashfulness, but because I don't want to overload your mind in return. Thousands of years of memories at once can be a lot to handle.
[ He agrees cheerfully, as teasing as it is playful. He wants to believe that. He smiles a little shaking his head. ]
I'd rather ask if I get the chance. [ Because sometimes he doesn't. ] And I wouldn't try, if I hear stuff it's not usually because I'm trying. I'm not even I could do that.
[ Phoenix knows William could. He hadn't regained being able to do that - yet - and his powers match his mindset. At least now, he couldn't if he tried, what he can do is take a breath and send the message. It's a quiet, gentle push - not forceful - and the memory is what accompanies it.]
[ The feelings linger longer than the memory: The feeling of being in the wrong body. The guilt that you're the wrong person. You aren't their son. You've stolen this life so you must become that person for the people who loved him and then -
I have the right to exist, too, is the feeling of Phoenix with the accompanying words of others: I'll never think you're a bad person,The other boy died and that's a tragic accident, but you didn't kill him,You deserve better. He doesn't believe it. He wants to believe it. But he knows, that he survived because someone else had to die (even if you believe you're somehow the same, together). That if it meant saving Tommy, he would do the same knowingly for another boy. ]
[ But still - You survived, like witches have done for centuries, Agatha had said and he wants to live. ]
[ All of this he gives, rather or not he means to with some of it ]
[Loki lets the memory wash over him. Takes it in. It is a story in a different format, but it is a story all the same.
It's unfamiliar for once too. Strange to see the differences in the universes, this was a knot he had not fully considered, even after keeping an eye on his Billy Kaplan for so long.
And it is different from Loki's story as well, as Phoenix said it would be. But there's the lingering themes, the leitmotifs.
From death, a new chance. The need to be what others see in you. The desire to live.
The feeling does not fade entirely when the other leaves his mind, for these are all feelings Loki knows well. (He did absolutely kill him, but you know. They've already talked about how it's different.)
When he opens his eyes, he grins impishly. Perhaps the proper reaction would be to thank him for sharing this part of himself, for being vulnerable with him...
But Loki is Loki, and so he says,]
Would you look at us! Romance of the Bodysnatchers, coming this summer!
[And then his expression softens.]
All stories have to end. It's part of what makes the storyteller so cruel, they know from the beginning that eventually they will have to leave the reader. So they work hard to make it worth it. They shove in all the ideas they can think of, all the drama, all the heartbreak, and all the joy too. I'm glad we could write this one together.
[ If this was William, he never would have shared. Not after Tommy's reaction. Not after knowing Billy's, either. He knows that part of their story is different and, whatever else comes after, his beginning was worse. But the thing with the William here - or who was here - is was far more the protective side that was Billy than he was William. To survive here. ]
[ Phoenix is gentler, in a way, or the truth is he's less afraid of sharing. How can he not be? When sharing was how the boat had worked, a constant influx of it. Where he shared every memory with Gingham, good or bad (though he tried to be careful with the worst ones). This was easier even if he feels a lingering since of worry as he pulls away mentally. ]
[ Loki grins and Phoenix shakes his head. He doesn't deny the something that clenches around his heart at the phrase bodysnatcher - because that's what he is. That's what they are. That's what he isn't, too, he quietly tells himself. ]
Why are you making it sound like you're breaking up with me - don't tell me the summer fling is that quick?
[ It's a joke, teasing in every since of the word. Because he may not know him well, really, but he knows - this is Loki and he's also right. The Showmaster had said it too, that the story would end and it'd probably be bittersweet. Just as he said it then he says now - ]
I want to believe this ending can have more joy, too. It has to, right? I think we've both had our fair share of sucky endings. [ ... ] But I am glad, to have met you too in this way.
Technically, we've yet to put a label on it! And it can't be a summer fling when summer itself is dead and gone.
[... just as a reminder. He doesn't realize how negative that sounds until it's out his mouth and oops. Oh well, he's still smiling like it's all a joke.]
I'd rather say it now than forget to say it, that's all. Rather accept it now too. Like getting all your vegetables out of the way so you can move onto dessert.
It was a joke, since you made it sound all serious and final.
[ But there's a small frown now as he shifts, pulls one leg up to place an arm on. Summer is dead and gone. That's a problem for them all - or, at least, it's more permanent residents. Does that include them now? He decides not to think about it and smiles a touch after a moment. ]
Wow, so heartfelt moments are the things kids shove around on their plate instead of eating. What do you consider dessert in this scenario, then?
Heartfelt awkward sad moments! I feel that's worth specifying.
[He pouts a little, though he knows Phoenix's teasing him. But that fades quickly as he considers the prospect of dessert.]
I know exactly what you expect me to say. [he winks] But I'll be the pure and innocent Loki and say that the dessert is the joy. The fun. Not caring what might happen next.
Life's full of those moments I've found. Especially when you're on a hellship that goes from maiming to forced emotional bonding in a day. At least this is volunteery?
[ Half an offering, because the other had wanted to hear stories, but the way he says it is almost too casual. And it is because thats the life he's known for a near year. ]
Rude? Rude. I was hoping to hear the pure and innocent answer. [ the expected answer was there, though. The lightheartedness shifts slightly to somber - but understanding. ]
I definitely agree with that sentiment. The only thing I've wanted the last few months might be super embarrassing, but it really is just that - for everything to stop and to get to have fun with the people I love.
But that's not how the story goes, right? Not yet, if ever?
Between the two of us, we probably could figure out a spell to halt time and stay like this forever more.
[An everlasting autumn. There's something so nostalgic about it, especially since that was the lie he had left the child with as some means of comfort. The boy had seen through it, of course, but it was still a nice lie. A time when stories were new, where all the convoluted and intertwining plots couldn't reach them.
It is not a lie now, their combined powers would be capable of such a thing. But,]
But there's no appeal to a story that never ends. Never changes.
[Which is the why the boy could not stay Loki. And why he cannot stay as Loki either. The audience will always want more.]
I'm starting to sound more like them, aren't I? Suppose it's inevitable. But I think it's the fleeting moments that are the most important.
[ Phoenix wants to say something. There's a quiet itch under his skin, the fear of a power he only barely knows. The uncertainty of a power he's only just started to regain. He knows it's potential in scale - in how easily he could hurt the people he loves. He dips his head a little.
Doesn't say anything to that, not yet. It does sound nice. For a moment he quiets, he stills. More Billy than William or Phoenix as he takes a long drink and listens. ]
... You'd be unhappy even if we could, because you want to change. That's be unfair to you.
[ Phoenix answers simply after a moment. A finger running across the black of the glass as he glances over at Loki. Quiet, still, and the playfulness dropping away to seriousness. ]
They are. And if you linger too long, you'll miss others. [ A beat. ] Does that mean you think this moment is almost over?
[ If he thinks that he's sounding more like them? Phoenix doesn't feel it, but then he's seen so much - felt so much - he's more like the William he knows that existed here than he isn't. The difference in their relationships, in their perspective of self, really is the only real difference. ]
[ He means that, too, in the truest sense of the word. He's glad that this Loki exists and for this particular moment. Smiling a little, Phoenix shifts his hand to entwine his fingers with Loki's. ]
[ It's comforting, the physical connection when it feels weird and like things can break apart I at moment. ]
I am. We both are.
And I'm pretty sure being we're not supposed to be being awkward, sad sacks as you eloquently put it.
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Re: cw: child death
[ A nod to the guilt- now he almost says its okay not to continue but the thought presses down first. ]
Oh.
[ It's a small sound. It's not of shock or hatred or - No, its just oh a sense of recognition and understanding that may not be quite right. For a moment he drinks and then asks: ]
Did you mean to do it?
no subject
[There are plenty of excuses he could give, how he was merely the tool of the killer, but does it matter? After all,]
I planned his demise from the start. And it was easy. He never even suspected me.
no subject
- but it was more complicated than that, right?
cw: more child death from this point on also metaphorical suicide
[But there really is only so much you can say in defense of killing an innocent child. If Phoenix wishes to hear it, though, he'll oblige.]
The original Loki, once the relatively harmless God of Mischief, came to be known as the God of Evil. He was a useless villain, whose main purpose in life was to lose so that the Avengers could win. He tired of this monotony, and one day, he hatched a scheme.
And Loki died. He sacrificed himself to save Asgard, or so it appeared.
He was soon reincarnated, for Loki had made a deal with Hela so that he would never truly die. But the reincarnated Loki was but a boy, who had no memories of his past life. This child was thrust into a world that hated him, filled to the brim with those who wanted him dead.
It is no wonder then, that this child came to question why he existed in the first place. Why had Loki died? He chased this riddle all the way into the dot on the question mark.
There, he met me. An echo of the Loki that once was. The boy asked me his questions and I answered, that I had wanted to change. Loki agreed with me, to an extent. He too wanted to change, to prove that he was different from his past self. But the past is in the past, and he was Loki now, not me. He relegated me to his pet. I would be Ikol, his opposite. A mere magpie.
I helped the boy along on his journey, as animal sidekicks are want to do. I provided sarcastic commentary here and there, information on his past life when he asked, and near constant companionship.
Loki thought little of the time I took to myself. What could I even be doing? I was a bird. I was probably just eating worms or pruning myself, he figured. But I was biding my time. Watching as the boy's own schemes developed and waiting for the time to strike.
It took less than a year for one of his plans to backfire substantially. On one of his previous adventures, Loki had created a crown of pure fearstuff, sourced directly from his own mind. And he left it for the fear gods to fight over, a perfect hot potato MacGuffin that would never be used because they were too busy killing each other. Or so he thought. A little birdie happened to tell Mephisto of this crown. He dealt with those lesser beings easily, claiming Loki's fear all for himself and all the power that came along with it. Mephisto was poised to take over the Nine Realms, and it was all thanks to Loki. Pure and innocent Loki.
I informed the boy of this, and I told him the options he had before him. Let Mephisto win, or... allow me to kill him. If Loki were to die, his fear would die with him. This whole plot could be easily avoided. I would take over his body, and live on in his place.
Why? he asked me again. Why did Loki do it? That's always the question it comes down to.
Because I wanted to change. I wanted to be the Loki who won. That was the old Loki's plan from the start, for the boy to earn their trust with his good deeds so that his spirit might then take advantage of that position.
And the boy was good, truly good. He had changed. He had no choice but to agree to my plan, though he hated every second of it. And so I killed him.
Asgard was saved. The boy was dead. And I found myself as the new Loki, the beloved little rascal who had proven he was different from the Loki of the past.
Re: cw: more child death from this point on also metaphorical suicide
... I'm not saying you - he? - didn't do anything wrong. You manipulated him, but it also sounds like -
[ A pause to find the words. ]
You were narrated into a life that was cruel. No one is truly ever entirely evil - I believe that. And we play the roles expected of us are, like, forced into them. A role where you're only seen as one thing and will always be the one to fail and lose? To never figure out who you could be?
That is cruel.
You may have manipulated him, but maybe that's the way the story was supposed to go, too? It was still from his own choices, I mean.
[ ... ]
Mostly, if that part of you that survived was truly irredeemable and evil, then it wouldn't feel guilty. It wouldn't be trying like you are now.
no subject
That's what I've tried to tell myself. As of late, at least. When I first awoke in his body, I tried to ignore all those feelings and continue on with my evil plan. But my guilt was so great that it ended up taking a form of its own, a construct that tortured me until I admitted what I had done.
[To the Young Avengers, at least. Thor still doesn't know.]
You can see why I might hesitate when it comes to my future self here, though. Everyone can say all the nice platitudes they want, but I would be refusing my own character development if I actively chose to stay to like this.
no subject
[ Earnestly given. He takes another sip of his drink. ]
... I'm not trying to give you nice platitudes. I don't think you're all good, I don't think you're all evil either... But, I can understand if you feel you need to go back.
[ another beat ]
Can I show you something? You won't think it's exactly the same and it's not, but I'll show you. If you want to see it.
no subject
[Loki takes a looooong sip of his iced coffee, having ignored it while telling his story.]
If you wish to show it to me, then I would like to see it.
no subject
[ Because it feels important to see. Especially if, as Loki says, this might be an exchange for all of them that is temporary. (He doesn't want that). Selfishly, he hopes this is all just a really long performance. ]
I do. But it does mean me showing you here - [ he taps his forehead for emphasis and smiles a little, ] I wouldn't be looking, just showing though.
no subject
[He's joking.]
Phoenix, this is hardly my first mind rodeo, though I suppose I should be grateful you ask first, unlike Amora. Go ahead.
[Wait, one little note!]
Still, I suggest you make certain to keep to strictly showing not out of bashfulness, but because I don't want to overload your mind in return. Thousands of years of memories at once can be a lot to handle.
no subject
[ He agrees cheerfully, as teasing as it is playful. He wants to believe that. He smiles a little shaking his head. ]
I'd rather ask if I get the chance. [ Because sometimes he doesn't. ] And I wouldn't try, if I hear stuff it's not usually because I'm trying. I'm not even I could do that.
[ Phoenix knows William could. He hadn't regained being able to do that - yet - and his powers match his mindset. At least now, he couldn't if he tried, what he can do is take a breath and send the message. It's a quiet, gentle push - not forceful - and the memory is what accompanies it.]
[ The feelings linger longer than the memory: The feeling of being in the wrong body. The guilt that you're the wrong person. You aren't their son. You've stolen this life so you must become that person for the people who loved him and then -
I have the right to exist, too, is the feeling of Phoenix with the accompanying words of others: I'll never think you're a bad person, The other boy died and that's a tragic accident, but you didn't kill him, You deserve better. He doesn't believe it. He wants to believe it. But he knows, that he survived because someone else had to die (even if you believe you're somehow the same, together). That if it meant saving Tommy, he would do the same knowingly for another boy. ]
[ But still - You survived, like witches have done for centuries, Agatha had said and he wants to live. ]
[ All of this he gives, rather or not he means to with some of it ]
no subject
It's unfamiliar for once too. Strange to see the differences in the universes, this was a knot he had not fully considered, even after keeping an eye on his Billy Kaplan for so long.
And it is different from Loki's story as well, as Phoenix said it would be. But there's the lingering themes, the leitmotifs.
From death, a new chance.
The need to be what others see in you.
The desire to live.
The feeling does not fade entirely when the other leaves his mind, for these are all feelings Loki knows well. (He did absolutely kill him, but you know. They've already talked about how it's different.)
When he opens his eyes, he grins impishly. Perhaps the proper reaction would be to thank him for sharing this part of himself, for being vulnerable with him...
But Loki is Loki, and so he says,]
Would you look at us! Romance of the Bodysnatchers, coming this summer!
[And then his expression softens.]
All stories have to end. It's part of what makes the storyteller so cruel, they know from the beginning that eventually they will have to leave the reader. So they work hard to make it worth it. They shove in all the ideas they can think of, all the drama, all the heartbreak, and all the joy too. I'm glad we could write this one together.
no subject
[ Phoenix is gentler, in a way, or the truth is he's less afraid of sharing. How can he not be? When sharing was how the boat had worked, a constant influx of it. Where he shared every memory with Gingham, good or bad (though he tried to be careful with the worst ones). This was easier even if he feels a lingering since of worry as he pulls away mentally. ]
[ Loki grins and Phoenix shakes his head. He doesn't deny the something that clenches around his heart at the phrase bodysnatcher - because that's what he is. That's what they are. That's what he isn't, too, he quietly tells himself. ]
Why are you making it sound like you're breaking up with me - don't tell me the summer fling is that quick?
[ It's a joke, teasing in every since of the word. Because he may not know him well, really, but he knows - this is Loki and he's also right. The Showmaster had said it too, that the story would end and it'd probably be bittersweet. Just as he said it then he says now - ]
I want to believe this ending can have more joy, too. It has to, right? I think we've both had our fair share of sucky endings. [ ... ] But I am glad, to have met you too in this way.
no subject
[... just as a reminder. He doesn't realize how negative that sounds until it's out his mouth and oops. Oh well, he's still smiling like it's all a joke.]
I'd rather say it now than forget to say it, that's all. Rather accept it now too. Like getting all your vegetables out of the way so you can move onto dessert.
no subject
[ But there's a small frown now as he shifts, pulls one leg up to place an arm on. Summer is dead and gone. That's a problem for them all - or, at least, it's more permanent residents. Does that include them now? He decides not to think about it and smiles a touch after a moment. ]
Wow, so heartfelt moments are the things kids shove around on their plate instead of eating. What do you consider dessert in this scenario, then?
no subject
[He pouts a little, though he knows Phoenix's teasing him. But that fades quickly as he considers the prospect of dessert.]
I know exactly what you expect me to say. [he winks] But I'll be the pure and innocent Loki and say that the dessert is the joy. The fun. Not caring what might happen next.
no subject
[ Half an offering, because the other had wanted to hear stories, but the way he says it is almost too casual. And it is because thats the life he's known for a near year. ]
Rude? Rude. I was hoping to hear the pure and innocent answer. [ the expected answer was there, though. The lightheartedness shifts slightly to somber - but understanding. ]
I definitely agree with that sentiment. The only thing I've wanted the last few months might be super embarrassing, but it really is just that - for everything to stop and to get to have fun with the people I love.
But that's not how the story goes, right? Not yet, if ever?
no subject
[An everlasting autumn. There's something so nostalgic about it, especially since that was the lie he had left the child with as some means of comfort. The boy had seen through it, of course, but it was still a nice lie. A time when stories were new, where all the convoluted and intertwining plots couldn't reach them.
It is not a lie now, their combined powers would be capable of such a thing. But,]
But there's no appeal to a story that never ends. Never changes.
[Which is the why the boy could not stay Loki. And why he cannot stay as Loki either. The audience will always want more.]
I'm starting to sound more like them, aren't I? Suppose it's inevitable. But I think it's the fleeting moments that are the most important.
no subject
Doesn't say anything to that, not yet. It does sound nice. For a moment he quiets, he stills. More Billy than William or Phoenix as he takes a long drink and listens. ]
... You'd be unhappy even if we could, because you want to change. That's be unfair to you.
[ Phoenix answers simply after a moment. A finger running across the black of the glass as he glances over at Loki. Quiet, still, and the playfulness dropping away to seriousness. ]
They are. And if you linger too long, you'll miss others. [ A beat. ] Does that mean you think this moment is almost over?
[ If he thinks that he's sounding more like them? Phoenix doesn't feel it, but then he's seen so much - felt so much - he's more like the William he knows that existed here than he isn't. The difference in their relationships, in their perspective of self, really is the only real difference. ]
no subject
[And Loki reaches out to Phoenix, to take his hand in his and just feel that bit of connection.]
You're here too.
no subject
[ He means that, too, in the truest sense of the word. He's glad that this Loki exists and for this particular moment. Smiling a little, Phoenix shifts his hand to entwine his fingers with Loki's. ]
[ It's comforting, the physical connection when it feels weird and like things can break apart I at moment. ]
I am. We both are.
And I'm pretty sure being we're not supposed to be being awkward, sad sacks as you eloquently put it.
no subject
[He squeezes Phoenix's hand tight.]
I like this. Just being here. It's enough.
no subject
It is. Thanks, for inviting me.
no subject
[He laughs and scoots in closer to lean his head on Phoenix's shoulder. Don't mind that he's obviously the taller one of the two, okay.]